A Letter to My Daughter

My Dearest Child,

You are about two months away from being born. Every day I feel you move inside me and I find it difficult to put words to the feelings your movement evokes. It is both thrilling and peculiar at the same time. Being pregnant has been a most surreal experience as I contemplate the fact that a living being – you- is growing inside me. Just two days ago I saw my belly move and contort with your movement. I have to confess it was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever witnessed.

It dawned on me today how much closer we are to meeting you. It feels like it was such a short time ago that I learned I was pregnant with you and dealing with all the emotions that came along with that knowledge. While you were not something your dad and I tried to create, you are certainly not unwanted. We both are anticipating seeing your face when you are born.

The closer we get to seeing and meeting you, the more eager I become. When I see young daughters of all ages with their mothers, I wonder what you will be like. Will you have your dad’s eyes and lean, tall build? Will you have my dark hair and freckles? I have no doubt that you will be beautiful, both inside and out. You have no idea how much your dad and I have discussed how we desire to raise you. We long for you to be confident in who you are, to know what you believe, and not be easily swayed. We want you to be able to resist the pressure to conform to what society suggests you should be, think, and do. You are who you are. Create your identity as you grow. And be comfortable in that. We will do our best to instill our values in you.

It is my heartfelt desire to have a close and open relationship with you, so that you can always come to me with any concern. I want you to know that I will not freak out, or at least I will try not to, when you need to express your thoughts, opinions, or anything else that is occurring in your life. I truly hope you never feel like you cannot confide in me or share things with me. And the same goes for your dad. We want you to be able to talk to us – honestly. You may think that you will surprise us, but let me assure you that there is not much that will surprise or shock your dad or me. We have lived quite a bit before you, my dear.

So while you continue to grow for the next few months, we are preparing a place for you. It may not be the cutest with all the trappings (sorry, honey, but you don’t get your own room yet), but it’s not like you will know or remember anyway. Regardless of where or how we live, know that our home will always be a home of love, tolerance, and respect. And that is the best home we can provide for you.

With much anticipation and love,

Momma (and Dad)

The Precipice of a New Year

Here we are at the end of 2011. It is hard to wrap my mind around what all has occurred this year. Even more unfathomable is what lies ahead of me in 2012. This year has been a time of turmoil and triumph. Turmoil in my personal life with an intimate relationship (that is thankfully much improved) and the unexpected baby girl that is now stirring and growing inside me. I finished my Masters program for Library Science, which was a joy in itself. I also took and passed my state school librarian certification exam. What an immense relief it is to be done with all of that!

Now I sit and contemplate what the new year will and can potentially bring, I am both anxious and eager. I hope to find a school librarian position for next school year. I would love to leave some of the stresses of the classroom behind yet stay in an educational role, especially seeing as how I will have an infant daughter that will become far more important to me. My hope is to be in a position that will allow me to focus more on my own child and not come home weary and stressed.

Speaking of my own child, we will welcome a baby girl into the world near the end of March. This carries with it its own anxieties and excitement. We have already begun the process of obtaining items in anticipation of her arrival. It is still so surreal to me when I feel her moving and kicking around. I was not sure I wanted to be a parent, but now that I will certainly be one, I cannot think of a more monumental calling and task in life. A life-long job has been placed before us.

Oh, what a year this will be!

Mind wanderings

I often find that when I cannot focus on what I'm supposed to (like school work), my mind tends to drift and wander to other ponderings. Tonight I am contemplating what a world without man-made borders would be like. The song "Boundaries Are" by Serj Tankian makes sense. What would a world that is not separated by hatred and fear of others look like? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't people just accept the differences of others with tolerance? Accepting and tolerating differences does not mean you agree or advocate for those things, but it does mean you do not hate, condemn, or destroy others for those differences. I think we are all guilty of being intolerant of others to some degree. But how nice it is to imagine a world where that does not exist. Then there would be peace. Then we could eliminate other things such as greed and war. I know this is an idyllic fantasy that will likely never occur. And that is because we are human.

Check Up

Just got home from my doctor's appointment. I'm currently at about 15 weeks. In four more weeks we will know what we're having. That is the appointment I am eagerly anticipating. Then we can decide on a name. I want to get used to the feel of the name before Baby Bollinger makes his/her way into this world. I want him/her to start hearing the name. "They" say babies can hear their parents voices in the womb. How "they" know, I do wonder. But if it is true, I want to take advantage of that.

I was a little worried since I wasn't feeling sick anymore, but today I heard the teeny rapid heartbeat and my anxieties were assuaged. Funny how I used to be more concerned about becoming pregnant without wanting to, and now I'm concerned that everything is alright with my little one inside. Such is life, I suppose. I'm just glad to know that all is fine. :)

A Case of the "Hows"

Well, I have rounded the 13-week corner. I am definitely pregnant. My body is really starting to show the signs, too. Pants are getting hard to button, if they do at all. Thank goodness for those belly bands that allow you to wear pants unbuttoned. Whew! Not quite ready to go to the maternity store, though it's not too far off.

As I slowly progress in this new stage of life, my mind is quite often filled with questions. Lately it has been "how" questions.

How will we provide well for ourselves and a little one without barely making ends meet? It would be nice to know that it won't be a financial struggle.

How will we manage work and childcare? I don't want to stick an infant in a daycare. I want us to be the main caregivers, not strangers that won't love and guide our child like us.

How will Kirby react to a new baby? He's never been around an infant much. His life as he knows it is going to be seriously disrupted. Must make sure he gets lots of extra attention before that time comes.

How will I even manage a new baby? I have slight to zero experience with infants. The thought of having to care for one full-time frightens me.

How will we instill self-confidence and independent thought in a society that wants to tell our children how to be? Children are bombarded with negative messages via media in all its forms. Without sheltering our child, how do we teach him/her that he/she does not have to be the status quo? That looking and dressing a certain way is not all there is to living? To be his/her own person and comfortable just the way he/she is?

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time. I know there are no immediate answers to these plus the other mentally swirling questions. I guess we do the best we can, with what we have, where we are (thanks, Teddy Roosevelt). That's all we can do.

Anxiety Relief

Nick and I went to my doctor's appointment today. Good thing, too, because I was getting nervous. Miscarriage dreams were kind of freaking me out, so it was good to get reassurance that everything is actually alright.

We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.

So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.

Strange Life

Sometimes I wonder about life. How much is fate and how much is dumb luck (or just dumb)? I have had a series of events occur in my life that I would never have envisioned, yet they all are true. Currently, I am grappling with a life-changing event, but there is a little back story.

Back in March, I had a minor surgical procedure done for female issues I was having. The specialist that performed the procedure informed me that I had a low egg count and that conception would be difficult for me, especially if I waited a few years (I'm 35, fyi). That was not terribly tragic news to me as I was not certain I even wanted children (which is a whole other issue I was vacillating over). As it turns out, conceiving was not that hard at all.

You see, my ex and I had not really cut off the ties of our relationship. While we were technically "broken up," we still saw each other regularly. I think we may have gone for two weeks without talking to or seeing each other. Breaking up was just not that easy. In our carelessness, it turns out that getting pregnant was not impossible.

So now we are working through our relationship. Not wanting to rush into something else without considering the consequences, we are taking it slow. He is amazingly supportive, caring, and here for me. He did not run. We have both had our emotional breakdowns over the matter, but accepting of our new reality. And disappointing as it may be to some, I do not need or want to hear it.

I'm still not to the "I'm so happy" stage. And when people say, "Congratulations," I reply with a tentative "Thanks." I am worried how it will all work out. "How will we afford this?" is the looming question in my mind that just tends to hang like a dark, ominous cloud.

I am currently at about 10 1/2 weeks. While at first I would not have been saddened by an early miscarriage, now I am concerned that I could have one. It's weird. I am eager to go back to my doctor in a few days to ensure that all is well.

I still cannot envision me having a baby. But like I said: other life events have happened that I could never have imagined. So maybe it's not terribly unlikely that I can be a mom. And a good one at that.