In My Head

A Letter to My Daughter

2012-01-30T19:56:00.003-06:00

My Dearest Child,

You are about two months away from being born. Every day I feel you move inside me and I find it difficult to put words to the feelings your movement evokes. It is both thrilling and peculiar at the same time. Being pregnant has been a most surreal experience as I contemplate the fact that a living being – you- is growing inside me. Just two days ago I saw my belly move and contort with your movement. I have to confess it was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever witnessed.

It dawned on me today how much closer we are to meeting you. It feels like it was such a short time ago that I learned I was pregnant with you and dealing with all the emotions that came along with that knowledge. While you were not something your dad and I tried to create, you are certainly not unwanted. We both are anticipating seeing your face when you are born.

The closer we get to seeing and meeting you, the more eager I become. When I see young daughters of all ages with their mothers, I wonder what you will be like. Will you have your dad’s eyes and lean, tall build? Will you have my dark hair and freckles? I have no doubt that you will be beautiful, both inside and out. You have no idea how much your dad and I have discussed how we desire to raise you. We long for you to be confident in who you are, to know what you believe, and not be easily swayed. We want you to be able to resist the pressure to conform to what society suggests you should be, think, and do. You are who you are. Create your identity as you grow. And be comfortable in that. We will do our best to instill our values in you.

It is my heartfelt desire to have a close and open relationship with you, so that you can always come to me with any concern. I want you to know that I will not freak out, or at least I will try not to, when you need to express your thoughts, opinions, or anything else that is occurring in your life. I truly hope you never feel like you cannot confide in me or share things with me. And the same goes for your dad. We want you to be able to talk to us – honestly. You may think that you will surprise us, but let me assure you that there is not much that will surprise or shock your dad or me. We have lived quite a bit before you, my dear.

So while you continue to grow for the next few months, we are preparing a place for you. It may not be the cutest with all the trappings (sorry, honey, but you don’t get your own room yet), but it’s not like you will know or remember anyway. Regardless of where or how we live, know that our home will always be a home of love, tolerance, and respect. And that is the best home we can provide for you.

With much anticipation and love,

Momma (and Dad)

The Precipice of a New Year

2011-12-31T09:10:00.003-06:00

Here we are at the end of 2011. It is hard to wrap my mind around what all has occurred this year. Even more unfathomable is what lies ahead of me in 2012. This year has been a time of turmoil and triumph. Turmoil in my personal life with an intimate relationship (that is thankfully much improved) and the unexpected baby girl that is now stirring and growing inside me. I finished my Masters program for Library Science, which was a joy in itself. I also took and passed my state school librarian certification exam. What an immense relief it is to be done with all of that!

Now I sit and contemplate what the new year will and can potentially bring, I am both anxious and eager. I hope to find a school librarian position for next school year. I would love to leave some of the stresses of the classroom behind yet stay in an educational role, especially seeing as how I will have an infant daughter that will become far more important to me. My hope is to be in a position that will allow me to focus more on my own child and not come home weary and stressed.

Speaking of my own child, we will welcome a baby girl into the world near the end of March. This carries with it its own anxieties and excitement. We have already begun the process of obtaining items in anticipation of her arrival. It is still so surreal to me when I feel her moving and kicking around. I was not sure I wanted to be a parent, but now that I will certainly be one, I cannot think of a more monumental calling and task in life. A life-long job has been placed before us.

Oh, what a year this will be!

Mind wanderings

2011-10-11T20:19:00.002-05:00

I often find that when I cannot focus on what I'm supposed to (like school work), my mind tends to drift and wander to other ponderings. Tonight I am contemplating what a world without man-made borders would be like. The song "Boundaries Are" by Serj Tankian makes sense. What would a world that is not separated by hatred and fear of others look like? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't people just accept the differences of others with tolerance? Accepting and tolerating differences does not mean you agree or advocate for those things, but it does mean you do not hate, condemn, or destroy others for those differences. I think we are all guilty of being intolerant of others to some degree. But how nice it is to imagine a world where that does not exist. Then there would be peace. Then we could eliminate other things such as greed and war. I know this is an idyllic fantasy that will likely never occur. And that is because we are human.

Check Up

2011-10-05T17:08:00.004-05:00

Just got home from my doctor's appointment. I'm currently at about 15 weeks. In four more weeks we will know what we're having. That is the appointment I am eagerly anticipating. Then we can decide on a name. I want to get used to the feel of the name before Baby Bollinger makes his/her way into this world. I want him/her to start hearing the name. "They" say babies can hear their parents voices in the womb. How "they" know, I do wonder. But if it is true, I want to take advantage of that.

I was a little worried since I wasn't feeling sick anymore, but today I heard the teeny rapid heartbeat and my anxieties were assuaged. Funny how I used to be more concerned about becoming pregnant without wanting to, and now I'm concerned that everything is alright with my little one inside. Such is life, I suppose. I'm just glad to know that all is fine. :)

A Case of the "Hows"

2011-09-26T19:26:00.003-05:00

Well, I have rounded the 13-week corner. I am definitely pregnant. My body is really starting to show the signs, too. Pants are getting hard to button, if they do at all. Thank goodness for those belly bands that allow you to wear pants unbuttoned. Whew! Not quite ready to go to the maternity store, though it's not too far off.

As I slowly progress in this new stage of life, my mind is quite often filled with questions. Lately it has been "how" questions.

How will we provide well for ourselves and a little one without barely making ends meet? It would be nice to know that it won't be a financial struggle.

How will we manage work and childcare? I don't want to stick an infant in a daycare. I want us to be the main caregivers, not strangers that won't love and guide our child like us.

How will Kirby react to a new baby? He's never been around an infant much. His life as he knows it is going to be seriously disrupted. Must make sure he gets lots of extra attention before that time comes.

How will I even manage a new baby? I have slight to zero experience with infants. The thought of having to care for one full-time frightens me.

How will we instill self-confidence and independent thought in a society that wants to tell our children how to be? Children are bombarded with negative messages via media in all its forms. Without sheltering our child, how do we teach him/her that he/she does not have to be the status quo? That looking and dressing a certain way is not all there is to living? To be his/her own person and comfortable just the way he/she is?

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time. I know there are no immediate answers to these plus the other mentally swirling questions. I guess we do the best we can, with what we have, where we are (thanks, Teddy Roosevelt). That's all we can do.

Anxiety Relief

2011-09-07T20:07:00.003-05:00

Nick and I went to my doctor's appointment today. Good thing, too, because I was getting nervous. Miscarriage dreams were kind of freaking me out, so it was good to get reassurance that everything is actually alright.

We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.

So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.

Strange Life

2011-09-05T08:46:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder about life. How much is fate and how much is dumb luck (or just dumb)? I have had a series of events occur in my life that I would never have envisioned, yet they all are true. Currently, I am grappling with a life-changing event, but there is a little back story.

Back in March, I had a minor surgical procedure done for female issues I was having. The specialist that performed the procedure informed me that I had a low egg count and that conception would be difficult for me, especially if I waited a few years (I'm 35, fyi). That was not terribly tragic news to me as I was not certain I even wanted children (which is a whole other issue I was vacillating over). As it turns out, conceiving was not that hard at all.

You see, my ex and I had not really cut off the ties of our relationship. While we were technically "broken up," we still saw each other regularly. I think we may have gone for two weeks without talking to or seeing each other. Breaking up was just not that easy. In our carelessness, it turns out that getting pregnant was not impossible.

So now we are working through our relationship. Not wanting to rush into something else without considering the consequences, we are taking it slow. He is amazingly supportive, caring, and here for me. He did not run. We have both had our emotional breakdowns over the matter, but accepting of our new reality. And disappointing as it may be to some, I do not need or want to hear it.

I'm still not to the "I'm so happy" stage. And when people say, "Congratulations," I reply with a tentative "Thanks." I am worried how it will all work out. "How will we afford this?" is the looming question in my mind that just tends to hang like a dark, ominous cloud.

I am currently at about 10 1/2 weeks. While at first I would not have been saddened by an early miscarriage, now I am concerned that I could have one. It's weird. I am eager to go back to my doctor in a few days to ensure that all is well.

I still cannot envision me having a baby. But like I said: other life events have happened that I could never have imagined. So maybe it's not terribly unlikely that I can be a mom. And a good one at that.

Man (or woman) up

2011-08-19T21:44:00.008-05:00

Sometimes life applies a lot of heat and pressure. It really stinks when it's all at the same time. As if one thing happening was not enough, life decides you need one more helping.

But the thing about being pressed is you find out what you are really made of. How strong are you, really? How much can you bear? Being pressed allows you to realize a part of yourself that you would not have known otherwise. And I should know. I've been through these times once or twice. While in the situation it is often hard to gain perspective, I know from experience that the ugly bits of life make us wiser, stronger, and are opportunities to grow. We just have to try and see it that way.

It's times like these that you have to dig in your heels and refuse to succumb. Grow up. Face and accept reality and deal with it like an adult.

Things That Irk Me

2011-07-23T22:50:00.002-05:00

I'm going to go on a rant because this is my blog and I can. :)

There are some things that just bug me and I feel it necessary to voice those things.

1. People making comments on Facebook using texting language. What's wrong with your keyboard? Is it missing letters? Please use complete words when typing online. You're not texting. It makes you look uneducated and/or just plain dumb.

2. People that don't use blinkers when they're turning. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't use my mind reading abilities to know you were planning to turn or switch lanes. Please indicate your intentions. It's so the people around you can drive safely with you. Blinkers are actually standard on all makes and models of cars. Just FYI.

3. Talking on your cell phone at the checkout counter. I don't really care who said what or where you need to meet someone. Your conversation can wait. It's really easy to tell the person on the other end of the conversation, "Let me call you back in a few minutes. I'm at the checkout counter and don't want to be rude." Not hard.

4. Drivers that speed up to get around you only to slam on their brakes to turn in front of you. Really?! Did that save you any time or get you anywhere faster? Highly doubt it. What it did do is almost cause an accident. Good driving, there, buddy.

5. That person that stops their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store and then just stands there looking at the shelves. You are oblivious to the fact that others need to get by and then act surprised when I say "Excuse me." It's called awareness. Try it sometime.

6. Rude people. That's all. Doesn't matter where you are and what you're doing. You're just rude. You seem to think that you are more important than others and have a superiority complex. You treat waitstaff terribly and behave as if you're the server's only table. Guess what? You were born naked just like the rest of us. You take dumps and have stinky farts. Just admit it. Oh, and just be nice.

7. Kids having screaming fits in public places and the parents that let it continue. Do you really think that everyone in a 5 mile radius wants to hear your kid having a hissy fit because you won't buy them candy? While I applaud you for not giving in to your child's request, please make them be quiet. (Note: I do not have kids. If I did, I would take their ear-splitting screaming ass to the car and go home.)

8. Not holding the door open for someone coming in behind you. This is a common courtesy thing, no? Wouldn't you appreciate that gesture? Especially do it if you see a person close enough behind you. It's just nice to hold it open or even give the door another push to stay open as you continue to enter. Didn't slow you down. Didn't cost you anything. It's just a polite thing to do.

9. Sports players getting paid millions of dollars and then crying about how it's not enough. You know what's not enough? Teachers' salaries. Military salaries. Police and firefighter salaries. You know, the people who are really making a difference in the lives of the multitudes. The money going into (or more recently, out of) education. More of my students will need an education to work because they will not get to be you on the football, basketball, or baseball field. Shut the hell up about how you don't make enough. It's disgusting and insulting to the rest of us. I can't believe you have fans.

10. Politicians. Enough said.

Well, I'm sure there are many more things that annoy me, but this is a start. These are just some of the ones that come immediately to mind. However, there are more. Also, venting is therapeutic. I don't generally like to be a complainer, but sometimes you just have to say what's on your mind.

Settling In

2011-07-22T22:30:00.004-05:00

Well, here I am almost a week later and I'm finally feeling more settled into my new apartment. I had my reservations about how I was going to fit into a smaller square footage, but it has worked out pretty good. So my microwave is kind of in my living area. What of it? It doesn't look too bad.

The smaller kitchen is starting to work out. I had to get a little creative with the space, but it's working. I did have to actually buy some items to make it a workable solution, so I ended up spending money I didn't really want to.

I had some great help moving last Sunday. A couple of guy friends were kind enough to donate a few hours of their Sunday to tote boxes and furniture in 90+ degree heat. Bless them! N actually was with me all weekend and was such an immense help. He was also my calming voice when I was feeling frantic and overwhelmed. Plus, he put my new bed together and my TV stand. The dear young lad stayed until there was a good stopping point with the chaos. It was a little weird because even though we are "broken up," we still get along remarkably well. That was never the issue anyway. Anyhow, I digress.

Kirby has had a bit of a hard time settling in. He appears to have a difficult time just relaxing. And he can't get under the bed anymore, so he's kind of sulking about that at bedtime. I think he's getting used to it slowly.

I do love the area and being so close to so much. I plan on getting out on my bike a few times a week over the next few weeks to gain confidence and comfort with riding on the street and with cars. I've had some experience, but not alone. Yay for independence! (with a hint of sarcasm)

What does this apartment hold for me as I reside here for at least the next year? A lot can happen in a year and a year goes by faster than we realize.

Moving Emotions

2011-07-09T09:33:00.004-05:00

I started packing yesterday. I move next Sunday to my new apartment. This morning, as I scanned the boxes that are beginning to pile up and the boxes yet to be filled with my life, I became a bit saddened. It's the end of a period of my life and the start of another. It's funny, because I wasn't sad about my last move of apartments. I think I am having a bittersweet reaction to this one because of the memories of the last three years that this place holds. What have these walls seen and heard?

They have seen me cry after losing my mom. They heard me talk to her. They've looked on as I curled up into the fetal position to let my emotions loose.

They have seen me laugh with friends. They've heard the sharing that has taken place between people that trust one another to be honest about who we are and what we struggle with.

These walls saw me as I hunched over Dusty's lifeless body early one Sunday morning in December of 2009. They heard me wail, "Please don't go!" as I held her body at the same time rigor mortis was setting in. They watched me carry her out to be cremated at the vet.

They heard the words, "I love you" from N for the first time. They also got to watch and listen as he told me ten months later that he no longer loved me and wanted to end the relationship. These walls have seen me shed countless tears as a result. They have heard my anguish.

The walls see and hear me as I greet Kirby upon entering the front door. They see what he does during the day, which will always be a mystery to me.

These walls have witnessed my transformation. I am not the same person that moved in here three years ago.

The one thing I have that walls don't, though, are memories. I get to take them with me. And as I move forward and into another apartment, I will make more memories. That's the thing about life. Memories are made every day.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~ Kevin Arnold

As I Grow Up

2011-07-07T08:35:00.003-05:00

You know, I don't know why I ever thought that I would have life figured out by this point. In all honesty, I am really just getting started. I am learning more about myself as I get older and truly developing my own identity apart from what I have always done, thought, and believed.

It's a very freeing thing to not feel constrained by what I perceive as other people's expectations. To break out of a mold that I feel like I was trying to fit into for so long but just had trouble conforming. The shape didn't take. It was a constant, inner struggle. And now I don't feel that way. There is no mold, except the one I make for myself.

Who am I? Really?? What do I believe? What are the beliefs (morals, if you will) that are unshakable? Which beliefs (ideas, positions) am I willing to let evolve or let go? Believe it or not, these are questions I ask myself on a regular basis. And it didn't take a single person to evoke change. It took an inner discontent with the way things were. Have I been influenced by others? Without a doubt. But I see their influence as a positive because it offered me new perspectives. I don't believe there is anything wrong with being willing to say, "You're right. I've never thought of it that way. Thank you for showing me another view." Being open to another point of view does not mean I have to accept it. But if it's logical, rational, sensible, truthful . . .

As we continually grow (both mentally and chronologically), we learn. We can be changed by what we learn or not. I choose to be changed. I choose to allow what I learn to possibly alter certain ideas I may have. If there is truth to it, then I must accept the truth and not live in denial because of stubbornness or pride. I have to be willing to admit when I'm wrong.

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." ~ Mary Lamberton Becker

Quotes

2011-07-04T21:13:00.003-05:00

I love quotes. Some of them are from obscure people that I have no clue who they are. But their words, wherever they were written or spoken, can speak profound truth and resonate within me. Some of them are just funny. I appreciate the slant on life that some people can perceive and comment on. I like being shown a different perspective through someone else's observations and experiences. They are enlightening.

I have many quotes that I like and keep around. Often it depends on my mood which ones I turn to or that I search for online. Words are a powerful thing. And sometimes it just takes a few to express an insight on life, love, spirituality, and whatever else. Those are the best.

So, in that spirit, here is one for the taking from Stevie Wonder: You can't base your life on other people's expectations. (used from thinkexist.com)

Dreams

2011-06-28T08:59:00.002-05:00

Dreams can be a funny thing. Not, "haha" funny, but interesting, insightful, revealing, unsettling, comforting. They can be a variety of things. For example, last night I had a dream with Dusty (my dog that passed away) in it. On one hand, it was nice to get the dreamlike sensation of touching her fur and cuddling with her. But on the flipside, it made me sad because she's gone. Only in a dream do I get to see her adorable face with soulful eyes. Only in the unconscious do I get to run my fingers through her fur and hug her neck. In real life, those things were a joy and comfort.

I wonder what our dreams mean. Do they really have significance? Can they really be interpreted? I don't know. I do think dreams reveal things to us at certain times of our lives. Perhaps I dreamt about Dusty because it was comforting. Maybe I dream about my mom because I miss her and need the better part of her when life gets tough. Some dreams do have significance.

Love

2011-06-25T09:16:00.004-05:00

I'm currently reading The Best Buddhist Writing 2008 and so far I am impressed. Just now I completed a story entitled "My Marital Status" by James Kullander. In it, Kullander describes his relationship with his ex-wife. After ten years of marriage, the couple decided to divorce because he did not want children and she did. They remained friends and cared for each other. Then, some years later, she was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. Neither having remarried, Kullander was there for her. He spent the next few months caring for her, spending his nights in the hospital, and tending to her on her deathbed. Towards the end of her life, her brain was no longer functioning due to the cancer, but he remarried her in a bedside ceremony with her family present. He knew they had carried a flame for each other despite being divorced.

Kullander struggles with checking "divorced" or "widowed" on forms. That's where he begins and ends this story. It is touching. It reminds me that authentic love does exist. It is possible to have that depth of love. And that's what Kullander says marriage is: "the depth of feeling you have for each other." As he wrote: "It's only the love between two people that's real, that lasts. Everything else comes and goes."

How true. Sometimes I tend to scoff at the thought and famous Beatles song, "All You Need is Love." But maybe there is some validity to that. Just maybe, love is all you need. Sure we need money, shelter, food, etc. But those are physical things we need. Love is a spiritual need. If the love is real and reciprocated, what else matters? We are merely passing through this life. People and possessions come and go. But love - love lasts.

Vascillating

2011-06-24T22:15:00.003-05:00

I'm not certain what to do. I have pictures on my computer of N and me. The pictures are fun and sentimental. But I wonder: do I keep the pictures because they remind me of what I had OR do I delete the pictures because they remind me of what I had? Quite the conundrum. And I cannot decide. So in the meantime, they stay. Interesting how pictures can make you smile and shed a tear at the same time.

Crazy

2011-06-20T16:23:00.002-05:00

It's funny to me how some songwriters seem to be in my head and they've already put into words and music what I think or feel.

On a Lighter Note . . .

2011-06-20T13:44:00.002-05:00

After my honest post last night, I thought a different one was in order. I'm not in a dark hole of depression or anything. Last night's divulgence is only part of what's going on with me. :)

I started in Spring 2010 for my Masters in Library Science. Currently, I am doing my Practicum, which is basically an internship. I have to complete a total of 160 hours. Fortunately, some summer schools have librarians working so I can work with them. I am in my last week of doing my 60 elementary hours and I have one full week plus two more afternoons for my 6o hours at the secondary school. We have the option of doing a 40-hour project to make up the difference, which is what I am doing. I was asked to deliver a staff in-service on using blogs with students (because I did one this last year). My faculty advisor is allowing that to be my project. Yay! Now I have to really get to it. The other class I'm taking this summer is cataloging. It's very detail and rule-oriented.

The good news is that I will graduate in December!! I am tired of school, but the light at the end is getting closer. I know the hard work will pay off. I am incredibly motivated to finish. And I will finally get my evenings during the school year back! I won't know what to do with myself. I certainly won't go back to watching T.V. I only watch what I can get through Netflix on Instant Play.

There's too many other things to enjoy about life than sitting in front of the boob tube a few hours each night. Like reading. Or sitting outside and reading. With a dog. Definitely with a dog. And perhaps a coffee. Yes.

Alright. Off to some other diversion.

Still Breathing + Raw Thoughts from Inside

2011-06-19T21:42:00.004-05:00

I haven't kept up with this much. Between doing my Master's degree studies, work, and life, I've let it go. I wasn't sure who was really interested anyway. But I need an outlet. Sometimes there is more going on in one's mind than can possibly be taken. Without a venue of expressing it, the thoughts compile and eventually overwhelm the mind of the person. And I've had a lot on my mind. So here goes, ready or not.

I've been going through some real issues. I'm still dealing with my divorce from 7 years ago, Momma's passing from 2008, my beloved dog, Dusty, passing in 2009, and now a break-up. Sometimes I wonder how much one heart can take. I doubt God's love and care for my heart if He can allow someone to experience so much hurt and loss. I'm not at the point of Job, but sometimes I feel damn near close. And it sucks. I have been at a spiritual crossroads for sometime now, unbeknownst to my family. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm questioning why I believe what I believe and I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. I want to live the way it seems right to me, not to others. And right now I'm not sure I know what that is.

I'm also questioning the existence of authentic love. I just don't know if it exists. The idealist and romantic in me would like to think so. But it seems that it evades me. Just when I think I'm finally going to get my chance, fate laughs in my face. I just wonder if there is truly any one person who is able to be trusted 100% with my heart and emotions. I am jaded. I am wounded. Deeply. I wonder why other people can access it and I cannot.

The last thing I want is to be a bitter middle-aged woman. I would love to believe that true love exists for me and that people, deep down, are good-hearted. I like to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that makes me naive. But a girl has to hope, right? Otherwise, what is to become of us as a people if we don't believe that everyone has some goodness in them? I know it was not the intention of my ex-boyfriend to break my heart and wound me. It certainly doesn't make the pain less real. That's just the way it is. And maybe that's just life. Perhaps the pain now will lead to something better later. At least that's the hope. There's always hope.

Yes, I'm Alive

2010-10-14T20:39:00.003-05:00

Just thought I'd check in on this thing. Not that anyone really reads it, but if anyone does, just know I'm alive and well. Just extremely busy. No rest for the weary. And no blogging. :)

As if I didn't have enough to do

2010-02-20T08:50:00.001-06:00

Between work and school, my time is consumed. I have very little social time any more, unless being with 4th graders for 7 hours counts. I get very little "adult" socialization, aside from my co-workers. So as if I didn't have enough to take up my time as it is, I've also decided to take a new direction in food. The more I contemplate what is going into my body and the subsequent consequences, the more I realize that I need a dietary change. I've started looking into transitioning to eating more "whole" foods and less processed, supermarket foods.

I have a website that I've bookmarked that is really helpful, http://www.cookingtf.com/pantry.html. I also ordered 2 different books, Digestive Wellness and Nourishing Traditions. I have to admit, it's a bit overwhelming, so I'm going to take it slow and start small. It is interesting reading, though, and thank goodness I have a friend (yea George!) that can help me since he knows all about this kind of stuff.

Check out the links!!

Mental Break

2010-02-11T18:43:00.001-06:00

I am plodding through my course work tonight, and really needed a mental break, so I thought I'd add a post since it's been a few weeks. I'm actually including a link to the blog I have to keep for one of my classes. Contrary to popular belief or just pure ignorance, there's more to Library Science than the Dewey Decimal System!! :-)

I'm only taking 2 classes and I am absolutely swamped. I spend almost every evening for a few hours and many hours on my weekends now doing reading, web searching, posting to discussion boards, reading some more, writing responses, learning about databases and using them, and then a bit more reading if I haven't done enough already. Oh, and sleep, gym, and eat somewhere in there.

This is going to be an interesting few (hopefully) years. I am going to do my best to dig in and finish in Fall 2011. Forgive me if you don't hear from me (either on here or anywhere) for a while.

My blog for "Information Storage and Retrieval": http://shamrockls.blogspot.com/

Star Gazing

2010-01-20T21:26:00.003-06:00

I am currently teaching on Earth and the solar system in my Science class. Today we were discussing how enormous and immeasurable our universe is. I am fascinated with the vastness of space. We as a civilized people cannot even explore the farthest reaches of our solar system, much less beyond it. We know there is more out there and yet we will never even get to fully explore planetary bodies in our system. The number of stars is in the billions. And then there are the other objects that orbit the sun in space.

Our knowledge is so limited. We are so small. And as I took Kirby out tonight to go potty, I looked up. I had to just stop and stare. As a busy grown-up, I rarely take time to stop and appreciate something as simple and sublime as a starry sky. And as I stood there with my head tilted back, I was reminded of Isaiah 40:26, where Isaiah recorded: Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.

I identify with David's question in Psalm 8:3-4: When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

In a universe that enfolds billions of stars that God has placed and calls by name, He has also placed you and me. And He knows our name. Not only that, but He knows the number of hairs on our heads, He has kept count of our tossings, and stored our tears in a bottle. (Read your Psalms if you don't believe me!) Our God - the God of our gargantuan universe - knows each of us. He knows our hearts desires, our deepest darkest shames, the farthest most recesses of our souls. He knows it all. And that just blows my mind.

We serve a BIG God. The adjective "BIG" doesn't even begin to do justice to His greatness. There are not enough adjectives in all languages combined to appropriately attribute to God how great He is. So with my small words and limited vocabulary, I say, "Wow! My God, how great You are!"

Bumper Stickers

2010-01-18T08:46:00.002-06:00

I am always interested in people's bumper stickers. I hate the ones that have small writing and I can't see what it says without getting incredibly close. I feel like a stalker trying to ease up close enough to be able to read the fine print. But if they don't want it read, then it shouldn't be on their car.
I often wonder about the people that put stickers all over their vehicle. Is that really necessary? I've seen several around Austin that are blanketed in bumper stickers and I try like mad to read them all, but don't even understand what some of them are about. Maybe they're not supposed to make sense. And that may tell me a little bit about the driver of the vehicle.
I have seen a few funny ones. I like the ones that make me laugh. I wonder where the person found such a bumper sticker, too. One I saw a few weeks ago read, "Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?" Which also made me wonder where that phrase originated. Another said, "Never take advice from a bumper sticker."
I have never understood why people choose to put vulgar and crude stickers on their car, though. Is that really the kind of impression they want complete strangers to have of them? Even though I'm not supposed to be judgmental, those kinds of stickers make it really hard to not make a snap judgment about the person who would put such a thing on their car.
There is probably a bumper sticker out there for all kinds of statements, beliefs, and allegiances. Where they are found, I know not. I just like to read them on other people's cars.

C.S. Lewis' Words

2009-12-19T20:54:00.002-06:00

My daily reading from "A Year with C.S. Lewis" was from his book "Mere Christianity." He wrote: The Second Person in God, the Son, became human Himself: was born into the world as an actual man - a real man of a particular height, with hair of a particular colour, speaking a particular language, weighing so many stone. The Eternal Being, who knows everything and who created the whole universe, became not only a man but (before that) a baby, and before that a fetus inside a woman's body. If you want to get the hang of it, think how you would like to become a slug or a crab.

I do not think Lewis is comparing man to a slug, but rather what it must be like to go from being a creature such as ourself to something like that. Though not a perfect analogy to God coming to earth through Christ, still, the point is well made.

Not So Random Thinking

2009-12-18T07:52:00.003-06:00

As I was folding laundry this morning, the words from our pastor's message on Sunday popped into my head. I was reminded of what he said about how God seeks us out. He came to earth and dwelt with the people for whom He would later die. No other religion has a deity that sought to get close to the people, much less put on the flesh of creation to be even closer. It should blow our minds that God came to earth and became His own creation.
Sadly, I realized how much I take God for granted. I know that He is always there, so I think subconsciously I choose to pay attention to other things because I know God isn't going anywhere. I take for granted the fact that He sought me out. He loves me and has had His hand on my life for as long as I can remember. Even through my rebellious stages and living with loose morals, He protected me. Because of my foolish decisions, my life could be very damaged. But it is not. And I 100% believe it is because God chose to intervene and shield me from the possible repercussions of my sin.
Yet, I still take Him for granted. The thought makes me wag my head in shame. During this season of recalling Christ's coming to earth and his subsequent death and resurrection, I want to rejoice in His love over me. Zephaniah said in 3:17 that God rejoices over me with gladness, he quiets me with His love; and He exults over me with loud singing. I want to return that to Him.
The rejoicing of Habakkuk is mine: "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places." 3:18-19.

In Memoriam: Dusty

2009-12-07T09:43:00.008-06:00

If you know me at all, then you know I love my dogs. Not just "love" as in, "I think they're great to have around." But really LOVE. They are like my children. I miss them when I'm gone. I love coming home to them and seeing their pure joy that I am home. I love the faces and noses in the window eagerly awaiting my arrival back home. The look of "where are you going?" in Dusty's eyes when I would leave sometimes made me feel guilty for leaving at all. Yes, I LOVE my dogs.

And this weekend has been so hard because I had to suddenly say good-bye to Dusty. In a matter of a 4 days, she went from being seemingly normal and healthy to passing away. She spent 3 days in a row at the vet's receiving treatments. She was due to go back on Sunday but passed away during the night while we slept.

I wondered at one point if that was going to be our last night. But I dismissed it as being pessimistic. Since she was spitting up and could not walk, I slept with her in the living room for most of the night, petting her and telling her that I loved her.

Sleep deprivation got the better of me and I went to my bedroom. She was breathing heavily, but I didn't realize she was close to drawing her last breath. So in the morning when I got up and found her, I lost it. The vet's office didn't open for another 2 hours, so I gently laid her on the bed and covered her in a sheet with her favorite toy.

Anyhow, if you never knew Dusty, then she was something special. She could give you looks with those eyes that made you know she was thinking something. I knew her looks of affection, fright, anxiety, and happiness.

She had this funny way of treating me and the couch or bed as her napkin after eating. She would rub her face and body down one side and the other. She would smear her face into my leg. If she wanted attention, she would bury her head into my legs. She also loved the camera. I swear she knew how to pose.

Anyhow, the whole reason for this post is to share something I wrote several years ago about Dusty. After reading the book Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo, I decided to make a few "10 Things I know About . . ." lists. I did one for Kirby and Dusty each. This was Dusty's:

1. She brings a toy to bed almost every night. (When it was time for bed, she would almost always get a toy first and take it with her.)
2. She loves being outside. Living in an apartment was kind of sad because she would lay by the sliding glass door and look outside. She was in heaven at Daddy's because she could go outside all she wanted and run around as much as she desired.
3. She is very happy when chasing and retrieving balls. This was one of her favorite things to do. As she got older, she tired out faster, but that didn't stop her from doing it at all.
4. When playing chase with her, she tucks her rear and scoots rather than runs.
5. She must chase a lot of squirrels in her sleep because of the way she whimpers, barks, and growls.
6. She groans when she stretches. Sounded like a person getting up and making noise.
7. She looks like she is smiling a lot.
8. She wags her tail a lot, especially if being talked to.
9. When my couch was in a position that she could see me in the bathroom, she would lay her head across the armrest and watch me get ready for work or whatever else.
10. Her face is almost always in the window when I am due home. I see her look of joy that I am back . She watches me until I am out of sight and then runs barking to the door to greet me.
And one more: 11. She loved Kirby. She had this funny way of lightly nibbling at him and making a weird sound. She did this when she wanted him to play with her. If I told her "Get Kirby," that is what she would do.

Dusty was a light and source of joy in my life. I am going to miss her tremendously. We had a special connection. I know for people that aren't "dog people," it sounds ridiculous. But I feel sorry for people that don't know that kind of relationship of absolute unconditional love and acceptance.

I love you, Dusty-girl. Dec. 06.2000-Dec. 06, 2009 (yes, she died on her 9th birthday)

I Remember Momma

2009-10-12T19:14:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow is October 13 - Momma's birthday. She would have been 53 years old. She wasn't in the best condition when she passed away. But today I am thinking about the way she was. The mom I had as a child growing up.

So I thought I would write a few things that stand out in my mind about my mom:
1. Her perfume was "Red." I'd know that scent anywhere. It was always a comforting smell when my mom would hug me.
2. She loved Indian stuff. You name it, she had it. Our house was bursting at the seams with Native American paraphernalia.
3. She was an amazing actress. I distinctly remember her performance in "Gaslight." She was fabulous!
4. I remember running lines with her to practice for her plays. It was good reading practice for me and introduced me to difficult texts. I loved helping my mom learn her lines.
5. She had the loudest laugh. She would put her whole body into it and sometimes you thought she might fall. I have to admit there were a few times where I was quite embarrassed.
6. She taught herself how to play piano. She played beautifully. My sister and I loved it when she played "The Rose" by Bette Midler. We would try to sing it.
7. She coached our softball team one summer. We stunk. But what I remember most is listening to The Eagles, Rod Stewart, and Fleetwood Mac tapes in the car as we traveled to games.
8. Momma loved music, which may be where I get my affinity for it. We had records from all genres. And on house cleaning day, Momma would put on a record and turn up the volume. I do that, too.
9. I didn't think Momma knew how to dance. She started dancing one time to some song on the record player, and I remember laughing at her. She danced even funkier.
10. When we still lived in Quinlan (which puts me in 3rd grade or younger), she would read to Brandi and me from "Charlotte's Web" at night before we went to bed.

I miss her. I miss not hearing her voice. Even if she wasn't the same anymore. She was still here. Now on those bad days when I just want to cry to her, I can't. But I have my memories and pictures.

Love you Momma!

Momma, Daddy, me

Just wondering

2009-09-20T20:07:00.002-05:00

As I was sitting at the stoplight this afternoon, I see a homeless guy standing with a sign that says, "Single fathar out of work needs help." And I couldn't help but wonder, first why "father" was misspelled, and if he is a single father, where were his kids? They weren't standing with him. It's a Sunday, so they aren't in school.

Just curious. Not judging him, but really just curious.

My Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

2009-09-13T17:16:00.009-05:00

I got a new printer/scanner/copier at Office Max yesterday, so I decided to scan the picture from when I was in the hospital and got my Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

I don't look happy because this was post-surgery. I'm sure as a 4-year old I didn't feel very good. But check out the goods of 1980!

Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

2009-09-07T20:29:00.002-05:00

You remember it, don't you? I was reminded of it tonight when it was in the Daily Crossword on yahoo games. So that led me to look it up and see what ever happened to it, only to discover that they are on back on the market! That made me happy. Not that I am going to go buy one, but it is fun nostalgia.

I got mine in 1980, a year after they came out (i read that online), while I was in the hospital for surgery. I have a picture of me in the hospital bed with some gifts that I received, and that is in the picture. I wish I had it digitally to put on here. Oh well. A picture from online will have to do.

Sending Us What They've Got

2009-08-23T09:59:00.006-05:00

At staff development this last week, someone said (I can't remember who - we hear a lot at staff development 3 days in a row), "Parents aren't keeping their best kids at home. They're sending us what they've got." And as I was praying this morning for the new year and getting ready to welcome my students for the first day, that statement was brought back to mind.

I pray that as I am in the classroom working with these students, that I never forget that this is someone's daughter or someone's son, and they love them immensely. And they have sent the only kids they have to school. It is my responsibility to nurture and grow who they send me. Despite their learning differences, mental or physical handicaps, defiant or stubborn personalities, quiet and reserved demeanors, perfectionist tendencies, know-it-all attitudes, etc, etc, etc. . . That's who I have. And that's who I am to love and teach.

I need the daily reminder that these kids are God's kids, just like me. And just as I am full of my own imperfections and have been stubborn, disobedient, and unloving towards God, I am still His. And these kids - my students- are His. Even if they don't know it yet.

So if you read this and pray, please pray that I wouldn't forget that. And for me to take each day one at a time and to take deep breaths. As my principal has a sign on her door that I think I need, that says something to the effect of: Have a big glass of calm down.

Back to School - Again

2009-08-21T21:35:00.003-05:00

Well, summer is officially over. I have finished my first week back at work, even though I was up there all last week, too. Today I met students and parents, at least the ones that came. As I was on my way to Happy Hour with a co-worker, the daunting task of teaching really hit me.

The fact that we are responsible for so many kiddos and are expected to really know our students is sometimes difficult. Some students just naturally demand more time and attention, which can unfortunately lead to overlooking another child's needs or not recognizing learning difficulties. I have several high demand students this year and I wonder how that will effect the other students.

I aspire to be the teacher that knows her students and picks up on the almost unrecognizable signs that a child may be having trouble due to some other reason than being obstinate or lazy. I want to be in regular contact with parents, not just when I have to due to parent/teacher conference days. I am excited to further my education and knowledge. I desire to be a leader to my team as the team leader. I yearn to demonstrate Christ and glorify God with my demeanor and actions, and with my words in ways that won't get me fired!

And that is only a few of the things I want to do. However, there are many tasks I 'have' to do that demand a lot of time and energy that distract me. I can only hope that God gives me the wisdom, patience, perseverance, and love needed for each day. And as Teddy Roosevelt said, "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

Confession

2009-08-09T22:02:00.003-05:00

I have to confess, that I feel like a complete teenage girl again. I read the Twilight series. All 4 books in about 3 weeks time. I was hooked so quickly and then just had to read them all to find out what would happen in the end. It was like having chocolate - I can't eat just one piece and it was hard to stop. I was actually a little disappointed when I finished the last book because I knew it was over. I know - sad. But I know plenty of people my age that have read them and loved them, too, so I don't feel so completely ridiculous.

gym classes

2009-07-15T19:25:00.004-05:00

So I finally decided to join a gym because I really like that I can just show up and someone tells me what to do to workout. I don't have to come up with a workout plan for the day or try to figure out what I'm going to do. I've tried a variety of classes just because I can right now with summer break. I just hope they have the classes I want in the afternoons once school starts back up. But I've taken Zumba, which is fun, but my body does not naturally move well for the Latin dances. So I feel a little awkward at times, but the great thing about this gym is it has an older crowd, so I don't feel completely weird. I also take the PUMP classes, Kickbox circuit, and I did my first spin class today. Does the slight discomfort from the seat go away or do people just become inured to it?

almost time

2009-07-13T20:59:00.003-05:00

I am only days away from the GRE. I have been studying quite a bit and am tired. I only pray that I do well enough the first time to not have to take it again. I'm going to need a little celebration when it's done! Of course, then I have to await word from the universities to see where I end up for grad school. But that could be a few months.

I am enjoying my summer break! I love no alarm clock in the morning. Not worrying about going to bed at a decent hour. Being able to make plans with friends at all different times on any given day. It's so nice and yet goes so fast. *sigh*

Figure it's time

2009-06-25T22:33:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe June is almost over already! I would normally be in bed at this time of night, but, hey - it's summer! It's kind of nice not having to get up to the alarm clock at 5:30 (or 5:45, depending on how long I snooze). I absolutely love summer! I love summer nights, especially. I wish I had a backyard I could go out and sit in and enjoy the sounds of a summer night.

I am sitting here tonight watching Fox News cover the death of Michael Jackson. Apparently, it's the only news story tonight worth airing on FNC. Even the "Fox News Ticker" along the bottom is all about MJ. He's was definitely an icon and a legend. I do remember when I was in elementary, going to the Quinlan skating rink and watching the "Thriller" video on a huge screen that came down. It was quite the show!

I have less than a month to my GRE date. I still have a lot of prepping to do! Fingers crossed!!

Come on summer!

2009-05-20T19:44:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe that I have less than 10 days of school left! I am so ready for summer break this year! It has been a taxing school year, both at work and personally.

I don't have much in the way of plans for summer aside from studying and taking the GRE. I am scheduled to take it on July 16. EEK! The math, I have to say, is really scary for me! It has been at least 10 years since I have attempted stuff like quadratic equations and Pythagorean's theorem. Why exactly do I need to know that stuff? I am planning on studying Library Science & Information Studies. I really do want to go ahead and get my Master's and I may as well now while I am still single and without children of my own. *sigh*

Jesus' Disciples

2009-04-10T09:05:00.003-05:00

I love Good Friday - it is a day that reminds of an event that I ought to be reminded of every day. And that is Jesus' death. It's kind of funny that the last 2 years, Good Friday weather is gorgeous, and then Easter Sunday is gloomy. It seems like it should be the other way around. Anyhow, I digress.

I was looking back at my journal from last year on Good Friday, and thought I would share what I gleaned last year. I read from Matt. 26:20-25 (and it appears again in Mark 14:17-21). To summarize, Jesus announced to His disciples that one of them would betray Him. But their response was not "It's not going to be me!" (except Peter later one). No, they responded with, "Is it I, Lord?" They didn't know their own heart and devotion to Jesus well enough to know if they would betray Jesus. They weren't over confident, either, and knew that even though they loved Jesus, they just might be capable of betraying Him.

And then Judas, who knew his own heart, plays along and asks the same question. But Jesus didn't send him away. Judas continued to stay. And Jesus still included Judas in the Lord's Supper. Wow.

After Jesus' arrest, the disciples ran and hid and Peter denied knowing Him. Amazing, how when pressed and under threat, even the disciples of Jesus - who had been with Him for the last 3 years and seen so many mircaulous events - caved. I wonder how much guilt and shame they felt once they realized what they had done. We know how Peter reacted in Matt. 26:75.

But I cannot fault the disciples. Lord only knows how I would likely have done the same. It was supposed to be that way. Scripture had to be fulfilled.

Happy Easter!

I'm an ass

2009-04-04T09:17:00.002-05:00

Yes. I am stubborn and stupid. That's what I'm discovering as I am going through some spiritual discovery. I am an absolute mess. I know more and more the anguish Paul was expressing in Romans 7:15-24. It's a constant battle between spirit and flesh. I am also realizing I have trust issues. I don't want to be fickle in my affections for the Lord. I want my heart to be stirred for Him. I don't understand my own ways. I trust God for eternity, but not for the "right now." WHY?? I have no reason to distrust Him.

I am tired of pretending and performing. God doesn't care about that. I can try and perform all I want, that is not going to change my heart and transform me spiritually. I have used and abused the lover of my soul. I live as an orphan rather than a daughter of the King. I have been invited into the palace and am standing outside the door (as Andrew Murray puts it).

It is absolutely piercing my heart that I am nowhere near where I thought I was with God. My weaknesses and idols are being revealed and it is painful! Where is all this coming from? Well, two places. I have been reading John Owen's "Mortification of Sin" and my small group is going through a curriculum from church called "Gospel Centered Life." Funny, though, how they are complementing each other and really driving home to me a lot of the same points.

And then, Andrew Murray, in Absolute Surrender, nails the reason, I think, behind my issues. He wrote:

No doubt you have never regretted responding to His call and coming to Him. You experienced that His Word was truth; all His promises He fulfilled; He made you a partaker of the blessings and the joy of His love. His welcome was heartfelt, His pardon full and free, His love most sweet and precious, was it not? You more than once, at your first coming to Him, had reason to say, "The half was not told me."

And yet you have had some disappointment. As time went on, your expectations were not always realized The blessings you once enjoyed were lost; the love and joy of your first meeting with your Savior, instead of deepening, have become faint and weak. And you have often wondered why, with a such a mighty and loving Savior, your experience of salvation was not a fuller one.

The answer is very simple. You wandered from Him. The blessings He bestows are all connected with His "Come to me," and are only to be enjoyed in close fellowship with Him. You either did not fully understand, or did not rightly remember, that the call meant "Come to me and remain with me." This was His object and purpose when He first called you to Himself. It was not to refresh you for a few short hours after your conversion with the joy of His love and deliverance, and then to send you forth to wander in sadness and sin.

No, indeed, He has prepared for you an abiding dwelling with Himself, where your whole life and every moment of it might by spent and where the work of your daily life might be done as you enjoy unbroken communion with Him. Who would be content, after seeking the King's palace, to stand in the door, when he is invited in to dwell in the King's presence and share with Him in all the glory of His royal life? Let us enter in and abide and enjoy fully all the rich supply His wondrous love has prepared for us!

This just floors me! It reveals my propensity to wander and pursue my own ways instead of God's. It also lets me know what is needed more: and that is an abiding fellowship with God. I want that. I often lack the discipline to make that a priority - which is something else I don't understand, but want to alter.

I don't want to be an ass.

(sigh)

2009-04-01T20:14:00.002-05:00

Since both my dad and Cindy commented on the fact that I haven't written anything on here for a while, I thought I would drop a few notes. I wasn't sure anybody was reading this anyways.

So I have been vascillating about going back to grad school and getting my Master's degree to get certified for librarianship. I've finally decided to just go for it instead of filling my head with self-doubt and fears. BUT, this means taking the GRE and starting all over again with applications, fees, letters, financial aid, UGH! I have to admit that the GRE scares the crap out of me. I went to Barnes & Noble this afternoon and bought a study guide with practice tests and vocabulary flash cards. I have to say that teaching 2nd grade for 5 years seriously diminished my vocabulary. I have been regaining it with 4th grade, but it is still far from sufficient for the verbal section and doing a bang-up job on the 2 essay portions. That's right - 2 essays that are timed.

Therefore, I am about to start spending my extra time studying for a test and hopefully take it in July or August in order to get results to the schools which I am applying.

Not much else is new with me. The countdown for summer break is officially on - I am tired already this school year for some reason. I'm not getting too excited yet and I haven't made any summer plans yet. I'll teach camp for 2 weeks to make a little extra mullah. It's worth it.

been a long time

2009-01-25T18:23:00.002-06:00

Wow, has it really been since November? This has really fallen by the wayside. Now here it is, almost the end of January. Where has time gone? It goes so fast. I remember when I was in school, time seemed to drag. Now it is gone before I know it.

I've been home the entire last week due to illness. I still don't feel ready to return to work, but I have to go. It should be interesting to see how many sentences I can get out before going into a coughing fit. I should make it a game for my students - maybe then they'll actually be listening the first time and I won't have to repeat myself.

It's funny about being sick, though. I crave things that I normally wouldn't. For instance, I don't like tomatoes, but tomato soup is one of the few things I have enjoyed eating this week. I also don't frequent KFC, but I was longing for their mashed potatos the other day, so my good friend Erica was kind enough to get some for me. :-) And I like water, but I have been drinking a lot of it this week. And what happened to losing weight when ill? I think I gained a few pounds instead. I'd like to think it's water weight due to the excessive amount of water I've consumed.

I've probably watched entirely too much television, as well. But I could not focus on anything for very long and there is no thinking required to watch TV. Besides, I usually just fell asleep. It is kind of nice, though, to have an excuse to be a lazy bum for a week, even though it wasn't all that enjoyable.

Snapshot of Salvation

2008-11-16T09:35:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to be faithful to doing daily Bible reading and journaling - but note the operative word "try." I have not been as successful as I would like. But, I am keeping at it, even though I am technically 2 weeks behind the Bible reading plan.

The section I read today was Isaiah 52-57. I love Isaiah. I can't read it without stumbling across something that jumps out at me. Today's was 57:17-19. It gives a concise snapshot of salvation. It reads:

Because of the iniquity of his (Israel's) unjust gain I was angry, I struck him; I hid my face and was angry, but he went on backsliding in the way of his own heart. I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners, creating the fruit of the lips. Peace, peace, to the far and to the near," says the Lord, "and I will heal him."

The reason I see this as a snapshot of salvation is because it tells us what we were: sinners; backsliders going our own way; following our own desires. It also tells us what God did: He saw all this, and healed and restored us anyway. He provided His son, Jesus, to bring us back to Him. He greets us with "peace," or 'shalom.' And this welcome is extended to the near and the far.

It just reminded me of how much I don't deserve God's favor, and how thankful I am that He bestows it anyway.

2008-11-06T18:14:00.002-06:00

I swear I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I can't believe it has been almost a month since I blogged last. Needless to say, life is busy. I am astounded that we are already in November and that Thanksgiving will be here before we know it.

I did get to go to my dad's a few weekends ago. My sister flew in from Colorado, as well, to visit for the week. I only took off 2 days because taking off from school is really difficult. A lot goes into taking days off that I really don't like taking off, but this was a good reason.

Anyhow, today was especially long. We had a 2-hour meeting after school, so 7-5 makes for a long day. Plus I still have small group tonight, so I'm not going to bed anytime soon.

I am SO ready for Thanksgiving break!!

I wish I could think like Andrew Murray

2008-10-13T21:36:00.003-05:00

I was getting ready for bed, and every (okay, almost every) night I read from "The Andrew Murray Daily Reader." If you don't know who Andrew Murray is, he was the son of South African missionaries, who himself became a minister and lived in South Africa in the 1800's. His writings are so insightful, and there are things there I would never think on my best day. There is something about some of the writers from the earlier generations. They seemed to have so much insight into God and His Word. Many a wonderful book was written during those times.

Anyhow, the reading for tonight was one that I have read before because I am on my second read-through of this book. It contains excerpts from several of his books. Tonight's was from The Believer's Daily Renewal. Murray wrote: Humankind was created for fellowship with God. . . But sin robbed us of this fellowship. . . It was this fellowship that Christ came to restore; to bring back God His lost creatures. . .The power to maintain close fellowship with God all day will depend entirely upon the intensity with which we seek to secure it in the hour of secret prayer. . .Of course, there is the danger of substituting prayer and Bible study for fellowship with God. True fellowship is giving your love, your heart, and your life to Him and receiving from Him His love, life, and Holy Spirit. . .Your Bible study may so pique your interest and so awaken pleasant feelings that the Word of God may become a substitute for God Himself. If this happens, we will go out into the day's work without the power of an abiding fellowship because in our morning devotions the blessing was not secured.

I know that's long, but there was more I left out. But, it really struck me when I read it, because I feel like that's what I quite often do - I am more concerned with getting my "Bible time" in, rather than spending a few quiet moments with God alone and enjoying the fellowship that comes from Him - not just reading His Word. I have never viewed my Bible study time as dangerous. It's supposed to be a good thing. But I can see Murray's point, that it could become a substitute for the fellowship with God. I do not want to deceive myself and think that I have had fellowship with God just because I have read a few verses from Scripture.

I wonder what kind of difference I would see and experience in my day if I sought fellowship with God in the morning instead of just making sure I got in some Bible reading. My Bible study can come later - but God has to come first.

This Peace

2008-10-04T09:04:00.003-05:00

I am glad it's Saturday. The morning is cool and still. Time in God's Word was insightful and wonderful as usual.

This was a tough week. I was really feeling the weight of my world. Thursday, I broke a little. Thoughts of not having Momma, hormones, and a feeling of being completely overwhelmed at work caused the floodgates to burst. I kept myself together as long as I could, but could no longer restrain the tears at faculty meeting. Tears that I could not stop freely flowed down my face. I bolted. Fortunately, I am in a very supportive work environment and two of my co-workers/friends chased me down to make sure I was okay. I just needed some time to recollect myself, so I came home. By the time small group arrived, I was fine. The evidence remained, but the tears themselves were gone.

I kept telling myself that it was ridiculous to be crying, but I guess we sometimes need those moments of release. It felt very cleansing, or 'cathartic,' as my friend Amy put it. I am thankful for God's comfort and peace. Music, I think, is one of those comforts. Using what others have found in God, and sharing it through lyric and musical composition. One of those songs is "This Peace" by Sara Groves. I love the words: It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight; This peace; This peace.

It was exactly that on Thursday: an appeal to Almighty God that was granted, and is still being felt.

p.s. - Michele, I miss you! I know you completely understand these emotions that just surprise us!!!

Heart and Tongue Connection

2008-09-30T20:06:00.002-05:00

I must need to learn more about the connection between our heart and tongue, because every time I read Scripture about it, and I nod and think, "YES!", I have to honestly say that it is not so easily implemented.

I was reading tonight from Psalm 140-146. In 141:3-4, David prays that God would set a guard over his mouth, and to not let his heart be inclined to any evil. My brain synapses started firing and recalling numerous Scripture references that talk about the heart and tongue issue. The first is Jesus Himself. In Matthew 12:34, He blasted the Pharisees, and told them that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Proverbs 4:23 admonishes, "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

Our hearts are so important to God. We are instructed to "love the Lord your God with your whole heart." I have to wonder, that if I truly did that, would I have such a problem with my tongue? Would it really be the "restless evil, full of deadly poison" as referred to in James 3:8? Jeremiah said in 17:9, that the heart is deceitful above all things. So where does that leave us? Is there any hope for my poor heart?

Fortunately, yes! The prophet Ezekiel prophesied in 36:26 that God (in the new covenant made with Jesus) "will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."

Yea! God works in us and in our hearts! As we continue to submit to Him, He continually changes us. I still need to protect my heart and trust God to His work.

My heart condition is directly tied to what flows from my mouth, and I need to be careful with both.

Poetry

2008-09-27T14:53:00.003-05:00

Some people probably don't know this about me, but I love poetry. I love to read it, and I love to write it. I wrote more prolifically when I was younger, but sometimes have inspiration to write now. I usually just come up with a few lines and then get stuck. I don't know why I think a poem has to be longer than a few lines, because it doesn't. Anyhow, I figure I can use my blog as a venue for sharing some of the stuff I have written. This one is from this last Easter on Good Friday. I had spent some time in the Word and read through Matthew 26-28. After reading, the words for the poem just flowed:

Son of God,
Son of Man,
Descended from Your throne.
Wrapped in human flesh,
Destined to die alone.

Drank the cup of Your Father's will,
Broken and crushed,
Lashed and cursed,
Eyes of scorn that looked upon Your face.
How could they watch?
How could they cheer?

It was all God's plan
To redeem His created man.

Death would not last,
The tomb would not keep You in.
You rose and left
Having paid the price for sin.

Son of God,
Son of Man,
Ascended to the throne.
Wrapped in glorious light,
Destined to come again.

Profound Truth from "The Shack"

2008-09-20T10:10:00.004-05:00

This week I finished reading the book The Shack. It was recommended by my Aunt Carolyn this last summer, and since then different people have said it is a must read. One of my co-workers gave me her copy to read because she said I needed to read it. So I did. And it was amazing! There is some questionable doctrine in it, but it is a fiction book. There is one part, though, toward the end that when I read it, I thought, "Wow! What an amazing insight." I have never really heard tragedy addressed in this way, and it just makes sense.

It's on page 185. God is talking to Mack about his personal tragedy, and Mack is trying to understand why it had to happen. God says this: "Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

After reading that, my mind quickly jumped to personal tragedies in my life. And I know that God has brought a lot of good out of one in particular, and I am thankful for His grace that sustained me. We are quick to conclude that whatever happens must be God's will, but we live in a fallen world where people do a lot of bad things that God never intended. If I believe that God is good, and that no evil exists in Him and that He can have nothing to do with evil, how could I ever think that the bad things that happen were caused by Him? Those 2 lines of thinking don't go together. But I do believe that "God works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). That word "all" really does mean "all." Nothing is excluded. *clarification note: as I have learned more about God and His absolute control, I have come to rethink my position on this. God, if He truly is fully in control, absolutely knows what evil will befall us, and He does allow it (take Job, for instance). If evil were not in God's control, how could He be truly sovereign? This idea seems contrary to popular belief and long-held ideas I had about God, but it makes sense. It doesn't make God evil, because He is not, but He is in control. Crazy and difficult to comprehend, but He is God, and that's all that matters. We can trust Him.*

I am thankful for William P. Young and his book that is getting a lot of people thinking about God, both Christian and non-Christian. I think it is good to raise some challenges to the ways we have always thought about God. And I love the relationship aspect that is so heavily accentuated in this book.

So if you are looking for a book, here's one for you!

Ahhh, Sundays

2008-09-14T14:14:00.003-05:00

I love Sundays. They are the beginning of a new week. It is a day of rest. I go to church, where it never fails I learn something new. I always get a sense of the presence of the Lord in our church. He is there and I always feel closer to Him during that time.

I have to admit to an obsession. Every day I have to do the daily crossword on Yahoo games. I am in competition with myself to see how fast I can complete it without using the "hints" tool. I love the hints tool it has, because there are some things I just don't know, especially when it comes to some of the pop culture stuff. I am a little out of touch with some of that. But I also find that I know some random information, that had it not been in the crossword, I probably wouldn't use that knowledge. Surprising I even have it at all!

A Friday Afternoon Off

2008-09-12T17:26:00.003-05:00

Since I had the afternoon off, thanks to good ole' Ike coming to town (or Texas, at least, and our area being affected), I decided to take in a movie with a friend. We went to go see "Burn After Reading," which just came out today. I knew it was rated 'R' and that it was going to have to do with language (which it did due to the overly used 'f' word). But I have to say, that it made me laugh. It was a very amusing movie. Some of the parts made me laugh because they were just so unexpected (and in some cases shocking!). And Brad Pitt is hilarious as the fitness trainer. We really enjoyed it! I don't feel like it was a waste of $6.50.

Head Above Water

2008-09-08T20:21:00.003-05:00

I knew this would happen. As soon as I decided to start a blog, I would get busy and let it sit for a while. I am now in my 3rd week of school, and I haven't posted since right before school started. It's so easy to let some things go when I am really busy. Right now, I feel like I'm keeping my head above water.

School has gotten off to a good start. We started switching for Language Arts and Math classes today, so it is kind of like starting over some. It takes a few days to train students from other classes on my particular way of doing things. And I am rather particular. :-)

I have also been having to really make myself continue doing my REAP Bible study. It's so easy to turn on the TV and zone out. By the way, I finally broke down and got cable, and I know I am watching way too much television now because it is almost like a novelty after not having it for 4 years! Anyhow, I am glad that at this point I am only a day behind! It could be worse.

It was really interesting last week at First Tuesday Prayer, that Matt spoke about and we prayed about knowing Jesus, and remembering the first time we first met Him. I then came home and did my REAP for the day (I was a day behind then, too!). And I was reading from Phillipians, where Paul said that he had counted all as loss and rubbish compared to knowing Christ. And I thought what a great example and attitude to desire. I would love to say with absolute sincerity that knowing Christ truly is greater than anyone or anything I could ever even imagine on earth. But I know the way I live and spend my time does not reflect that. I know in my mind that knowing Christ is THE greatest treasure, but is it in my heart? The psalmist also reflected this attitude of Paul in Psalm 73:25: "Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You." I would love to echo that without any hint of insincerity.

Whew!

2008-08-23T09:02:00.002-05:00

Wow, am I glad this week is over! It has been such a crazy, busy week going back to work. Despite having gone to work in my classroom for 3 days the week before, I still had so much work to do in order to prepare for students. I still have some work left and will need to go to my classroom this weekend to be ready for students on Monday morning. I brought stuff home to do as well. The beginning of the year is so busy, and I don't think people realize just how much work goes into it.

Yesterday was our "Rally Day" where parents and students come to see who they have and meet the teacher. I have to admit that I don't look forward to that hour (that usually turns into 1 1/2-2 hours). Don't get me wrong - I enjoy meeting people and my students. But I am an absolute nervous wreck about 20 minutes prior, because I get anxious. I don't do well in chaotic circumstances, and I do better when I can moderate better who to talk to and for how long. But when you have 4 or more people all wanting to meet you and talk to you - well, it doesn't really mesh with my personality. Fortunately, they came in small clusters, and I didn't have too many people at once in my room. So it was much more manageable! Though due to my introverted nature, after that hour or so, I am exhausted! I came home (after Happy Hour with coworkers!) and just sat in a vegetated state on my couch. I'm not kidding! And I replayed in my mind who I spoke to and what I said, and did I say something stupid, and did I answer their question well, . . . and on and on. It took awhile for my mind to shut off.

So this morning it was really nice to wake up slowly and then spend some time in quietness, reading from my Bible and journaling. I love the peace that comes from spending time with the Lord! It is one of those times that when I'm done, I don't feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I finish feeling refreshed and renewed. It is the best part of my day!

New Furniture!

2008-08-16T09:57:00.005-05:00

I was finally able to get new living room furniture. My old couch gave me 13 good years, but it was time to move on. I gave away the old couch and chair and then sat on my floor for a week while I awaited my new sofa and loveseat. It is so nice to have something I feel better about. I don't have to cover these with a sheet to keep off dog hair because they clean up so much easier! Yeah for microfiber! Anyhow, here is the old (with Dusty on it of course!) versus the new and improved living room!

Top - Old couch w/ Dusty on it ; Middle - New Sofa with Bookcase; Bottom - Loveseat side; yes, the wall needs more than a clock

Name of Jesus

2008-08-15T09:25:00.003-05:00

You know how sometimes you get a thought that you have had a million times before? Well, this morning was one of those times for me. As I was praying and just talking to God, I was finishing with the standard closure of "in Jesus' name," and it was one of those times where the name of Jesus struck me as so beautiful.

Jesus' name is abused in our society a lot. It is used by people who don't even believe in what He did. He is even being used as a joke in the new movie "Hamlet 2" (I've seen commercials for it.) It is used as a curse or swear word when things don't go our way - where words like "shoot" or "darn" or Charlie Brown's "good grief" could easily be used. (which I prefer those words)

But the name of Jesus is so much more precious and sacred than that! It is a name that recognizes Him as the Son of God. His name is synonymous with perfect living and sacrifice. That name is the name we call on and believe in for our salvation!

How it must break God's heart to hear His Son's name abused and misused. This was His gift to His fallen creation, and it has been trampled on throughout the ages.

I have to ask myself: Do I take the name of Jesus for granted? Do I treat it with the care His name deserves? When I speak His name, am I saying it with honor?

There is a song by Paul Baloche titled "Your Name" that came to mind when I was thinking about that this morning. Some of the lyrics are:

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

There is healing in Your Name
Salvation in Your Name,
There is Joy in Your Name
Jesus, in Your Name

Yes, Jesus, in Your Precious, Holy Name!

A New Lesson from Job

2008-08-05T22:33:00.002-05:00

So I'm a day behind in my REAP for Bible study (REAP is an acronym for a Bible study method that our church has implemented). I read today from Job through Chapter 3, and as I was reading, verse 13 in chapter 2 really struck me. The reason it really stood out to me is because it says this: And they (Job's friends) sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

Why should this have attention drawn to it? For me it was because it made me stop and realize that we usually hear what terrible friends Job had. They said stupid things to him about why he was suffering, and what he must have done to deserve what he was going through. But this particular verse revealed to me that Job's friends started off well. How? Well, they came to him when they heard the suffering he was enduring. Don't friends that care do that? Not only did they come to him during his time of affliction, they also sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights - one full week. How long do we stay with a friend in their grief? To top it off, they didn't start offering him pat condolences and sympathy - they sat in silence with him. You know, sometimes the best thing to say is to say nothing at all. In fact, they didn't say anything until after Job.

So it made me wonder: why do these guys always get so much crap for saying the wrong things (which they did), but no credit for being there in the first place and sitting with Job for those 7 days and nights. How awkward was that for them? What did they do? Can you imagine sitting in silence with someone for a whole week? I honestly cannot.

It also made me think about how God is always with us - especially in our grief and when we don't necessarily "hear" Him. He is still there, even if He is silent. He hasn't gone anywhere. Sometimes it's nice to just know He's there. And our friends, too. Sometimes we don't need them to say anything to us - we just need them to be there. And listen when we are ready to speak.

1st time Blogger

2008-08-05T16:24:00.003-05:00

Alright, so I am a virgin blogger. This is my first blog ever, and I am not really sure what to say. I've always wondered who would really care what I have to say or think, but then I decided that somebody might - so here I am. I'm not exactly certain what will come of this, so just go with it.

I figure it will be a good way to share a little about the thoughts that run through my head, hence the name of the blog. Hopefully it's not too murky in there!

Hope you enjoy!