A Letter to My Daughter

My Dearest Child,

You are about two months away from being born. Every day I feel you move inside me and I find it difficult to put words to the feelings your movement evokes. It is both thrilling and peculiar at the same time. Being pregnant has been a most surreal experience as I contemplate the fact that a living being – you- is growing inside me. Just two days ago I saw my belly move and contort with your movement. I have to confess it was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever witnessed.

It dawned on me today how much closer we are to meeting you. It feels like it was such a short time ago that I learned I was pregnant with you and dealing with all the emotions that came along with that knowledge. While you were not something your dad and I tried to create, you are certainly not unwanted. We both are anticipating seeing your face when you are born.

The closer we get to seeing and meeting you, the more eager I become. When I see young daughters of all ages with their mothers, I wonder what you will be like. Will you have your dad’s eyes and lean, tall build? Will you have my dark hair and freckles? I have no doubt that you will be beautiful, both inside and out. You have no idea how much your dad and I have discussed how we desire to raise you. We long for you to be confident in who you are, to know what you believe, and not be easily swayed. We want you to be able to resist the pressure to conform to what society suggests you should be, think, and do. You are who you are. Create your identity as you grow. And be comfortable in that. We will do our best to instill our values in you.

It is my heartfelt desire to have a close and open relationship with you, so that you can always come to me with any concern. I want you to know that I will not freak out, or at least I will try not to, when you need to express your thoughts, opinions, or anything else that is occurring in your life. I truly hope you never feel like you cannot confide in me or share things with me. And the same goes for your dad. We want you to be able to talk to us – honestly. You may think that you will surprise us, but let me assure you that there is not much that will surprise or shock your dad or me. We have lived quite a bit before you, my dear.

So while you continue to grow for the next few months, we are preparing a place for you. It may not be the cutest with all the trappings (sorry, honey, but you don’t get your own room yet), but it’s not like you will know or remember anyway. Regardless of where or how we live, know that our home will always be a home of love, tolerance, and respect. And that is the best home we can provide for you.

With much anticipation and love,

Momma (and Dad)

Check Up

Just got home from my doctor's appointment. I'm currently at about 15 weeks. In four more weeks we will know what we're having. That is the appointment I am eagerly anticipating. Then we can decide on a name. I want to get used to the feel of the name before Baby Bollinger makes his/her way into this world. I want him/her to start hearing the name. "They" say babies can hear their parents voices in the womb. How "they" know, I do wonder. But if it is true, I want to take advantage of that.

I was a little worried since I wasn't feeling sick anymore, but today I heard the teeny rapid heartbeat and my anxieties were assuaged. Funny how I used to be more concerned about becoming pregnant without wanting to, and now I'm concerned that everything is alright with my little one inside. Such is life, I suppose. I'm just glad to know that all is fine. :)

A Case of the "Hows"

Well, I have rounded the 13-week corner. I am definitely pregnant. My body is really starting to show the signs, too. Pants are getting hard to button, if they do at all. Thank goodness for those belly bands that allow you to wear pants unbuttoned. Whew! Not quite ready to go to the maternity store, though it's not too far off.

As I slowly progress in this new stage of life, my mind is quite often filled with questions. Lately it has been "how" questions.

How will we provide well for ourselves and a little one without barely making ends meet? It would be nice to know that it won't be a financial struggle.

How will we manage work and childcare? I don't want to stick an infant in a daycare. I want us to be the main caregivers, not strangers that won't love and guide our child like us.

How will Kirby react to a new baby? He's never been around an infant much. His life as he knows it is going to be seriously disrupted. Must make sure he gets lots of extra attention before that time comes.

How will I even manage a new baby? I have slight to zero experience with infants. The thought of having to care for one full-time frightens me.

How will we instill self-confidence and independent thought in a society that wants to tell our children how to be? Children are bombarded with negative messages via media in all its forms. Without sheltering our child, how do we teach him/her that he/she does not have to be the status quo? That looking and dressing a certain way is not all there is to living? To be his/her own person and comfortable just the way he/she is?

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time. I know there are no immediate answers to these plus the other mentally swirling questions. I guess we do the best we can, with what we have, where we are (thanks, Teddy Roosevelt). That's all we can do.

Anxiety Relief

Nick and I went to my doctor's appointment today. Good thing, too, because I was getting nervous. Miscarriage dreams were kind of freaking me out, so it was good to get reassurance that everything is actually alright.

We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.

So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.