Still Breathing + Raw Thoughts from Inside

I haven't kept up with this much. Between doing my Master's degree studies, work, and life, I've let it go. I wasn't sure who was really interested anyway. But I need an outlet. Sometimes there is more going on in one's mind than can possibly be taken. Without a venue of expressing it, the thoughts compile and eventually overwhelm the mind of the person. And I've had a lot on my mind. So here goes, ready or not.

I've been going through some real issues. I'm still dealing with my divorce from 7 years ago, Momma's passing from 2008, my beloved dog, Dusty, passing in 2009, and now a break-up. Sometimes I wonder how much one heart can take. I doubt God's love and care for my heart if He can allow someone to experience so much hurt and loss. I'm not at the point of Job, but sometimes I feel damn near close. And it sucks. I have been at a spiritual crossroads for sometime now, unbeknownst to my family. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm questioning why I believe what I believe and I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. I want to live the way it seems right to me, not to others. And right now I'm not sure I know what that is.

I'm also questioning the existence of authentic love. I just don't know if it exists. The idealist and romantic in me would like to think so. But it seems that it evades me. Just when I think I'm finally going to get my chance, fate laughs in my face. I just wonder if there is truly any one person who is able to be trusted 100% with my heart and emotions. I am jaded. I am wounded. Deeply. I wonder why other people can access it and I cannot.

The last thing I want is to be a bitter middle-aged woman. I would love to believe that true love exists for me and that people, deep down, are good-hearted. I like to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that makes me naive. But a girl has to hope, right? Otherwise, what is to become of us as a people if we don't believe that everyone has some goodness in them? I know it was not the intention of my ex-boyfriend to break my heart and wound me. It certainly doesn't make the pain less real. That's just the way it is. And maybe that's just life. Perhaps the pain now will lead to something better later. At least that's the hope. There's always hope.