I love Good Friday - it is a day that reminds of an event that I ought to be reminded of every day. And that is Jesus' death. It's kind of funny that the last 2 years, Good Friday weather is gorgeous, and then Easter Sunday is gloomy. It seems like it should be the other way around. Anyhow, I digress.
I was looking back at my journal from last year on Good Friday, and thought I would share what I gleaned last year. I read from Matt. 26:20-25 (and it appears again in Mark 14:17-21). To summarize, Jesus announced to His disciples that one of them would betray Him. But their response was not "It's not going to be me!" (except Peter later one). No, they responded with, "Is it I, Lord?" They didn't know their own heart and devotion to Jesus well enough to know if they would betray Jesus. They weren't over confident, either, and knew that even though they loved Jesus, they just might be capable of betraying Him.
And then Judas, who knew his own heart, plays along and asks the same question. But Jesus didn't send him away. Judas continued to stay. And Jesus still included Judas in the Lord's Supper. Wow.
After Jesus' arrest, the disciples ran and hid and Peter denied knowing Him. Amazing, how when pressed and under threat, even the disciples of Jesus - who had been with Him for the last 3 years and seen so many mircaulous events - caved. I wonder how much guilt and shame they felt once they realized what they had done. We know how Peter reacted in Matt. 26:75.
But I cannot fault the disciples. Lord only knows how I would likely have done the same. It was supposed to be that way. Scripture had to be fulfilled.
Happy Easter!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I'm an ass
Yes. I am stubborn and stupid. That's what I'm discovering as I am going through some spiritual discovery. I am an absolute mess. I know more and more the anguish Paul was expressing in Romans 7:15-24. It's a constant battle between spirit and flesh. I am also realizing I have trust issues. I don't want to be fickle in my affections for the Lord. I want my heart to be stirred for Him. I don't understand my own ways. I trust God for eternity, but not for the "right now." WHY?? I have no reason to distrust Him.
I am tired of pretending and performing. God doesn't care about that. I can try and perform all I want, that is not going to change my heart and transform me spiritually. I have used and abused the lover of my soul. I live as an orphan rather than a daughter of the King. I have been invited into the palace and am standing outside the door (as Andrew Murray puts it).
It is absolutely piercing my heart that I am nowhere near where I thought I was with God. My weaknesses and idols are being revealed and it is painful! Where is all this coming from? Well, two places. I have been reading John Owen's "Mortification of Sin" and my small group is going through a curriculum from church called "Gospel Centered Life." Funny, though, how they are complementing each other and really driving home to me a lot of the same points.
And then, Andrew Murray, in Absolute Surrender, nails the reason, I think, behind my issues. He wrote:
No doubt you have never regretted responding to His call and coming to Him. You experienced that His Word was truth; all His promises He fulfilled; He made you a partaker of the blessings and the joy of His love. His welcome was heartfelt, His pardon full and free, His love most sweet and precious, was it not? You more than once, at your first coming to Him, had reason to say, "The half was not told me."
And yet you have had some disappointment. As time went on, your expectations were not always realized The blessings you once enjoyed were lost; the love and joy of your first meeting with your Savior, instead of deepening, have become faint and weak. And you have often wondered why, with a such a mighty and loving Savior, your experience of salvation was not a fuller one.
The answer is very simple. You wandered from Him. The blessings He bestows are all connected with His "Come to me," and are only to be enjoyed in close fellowship with Him. You either did not fully understand, or did not rightly remember, that the call meant "Come to me and remain with me." This was His object and purpose when He first called you to Himself. It was not to refresh you for a few short hours after your conversion with the joy of His love and deliverance, and then to send you forth to wander in sadness and sin.
No, indeed, He has prepared for you an abiding dwelling with Himself, where your whole life and every moment of it might by spent and where the work of your daily life might be done as you enjoy unbroken communion with Him. Who would be content, after seeking the King's palace, to stand in the door, when he is invited in to dwell in the King's presence and share with Him in all the glory of His royal life? Let us enter in and abide and enjoy fully all the rich supply His wondrous love has prepared for us!
This just floors me! It reveals my propensity to wander and pursue my own ways instead of God's. It also lets me know what is needed more: and that is an abiding fellowship with God. I want that. I often lack the discipline to make that a priority - which is something else I don't understand, but want to alter.
I don't want to be an ass.
I am tired of pretending and performing. God doesn't care about that. I can try and perform all I want, that is not going to change my heart and transform me spiritually. I have used and abused the lover of my soul. I live as an orphan rather than a daughter of the King. I have been invited into the palace and am standing outside the door (as Andrew Murray puts it).
It is absolutely piercing my heart that I am nowhere near where I thought I was with God. My weaknesses and idols are being revealed and it is painful! Where is all this coming from? Well, two places. I have been reading John Owen's "Mortification of Sin" and my small group is going through a curriculum from church called "Gospel Centered Life." Funny, though, how they are complementing each other and really driving home to me a lot of the same points.
And then, Andrew Murray, in Absolute Surrender, nails the reason, I think, behind my issues. He wrote:
No doubt you have never regretted responding to His call and coming to Him. You experienced that His Word was truth; all His promises He fulfilled; He made you a partaker of the blessings and the joy of His love. His welcome was heartfelt, His pardon full and free, His love most sweet and precious, was it not? You more than once, at your first coming to Him, had reason to say, "The half was not told me."
And yet you have had some disappointment. As time went on, your expectations were not always realized The blessings you once enjoyed were lost; the love and joy of your first meeting with your Savior, instead of deepening, have become faint and weak. And you have often wondered why, with a such a mighty and loving Savior, your experience of salvation was not a fuller one.
The answer is very simple. You wandered from Him. The blessings He bestows are all connected with His "Come to me," and are only to be enjoyed in close fellowship with Him. You either did not fully understand, or did not rightly remember, that the call meant "Come to me and remain with me." This was His object and purpose when He first called you to Himself. It was not to refresh you for a few short hours after your conversion with the joy of His love and deliverance, and then to send you forth to wander in sadness and sin.
No, indeed, He has prepared for you an abiding dwelling with Himself, where your whole life and every moment of it might by spent and where the work of your daily life might be done as you enjoy unbroken communion with Him. Who would be content, after seeking the King's palace, to stand in the door, when he is invited in to dwell in the King's presence and share with Him in all the glory of His royal life? Let us enter in and abide and enjoy fully all the rich supply His wondrous love has prepared for us!
This just floors me! It reveals my propensity to wander and pursue my own ways instead of God's. It also lets me know what is needed more: and that is an abiding fellowship with God. I want that. I often lack the discipline to make that a priority - which is something else I don't understand, but want to alter.
I don't want to be an ass.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
(sigh)
Since both my dad and Cindy commented on the fact that I haven't written anything on here for a while, I thought I would drop a few notes. I wasn't sure anybody was reading this anyways.
So I have been vascillating about going back to grad school and getting my Master's degree to get certified for librarianship. I've finally decided to just go for it instead of filling my head with self-doubt and fears. BUT, this means taking the GRE and starting all over again with applications, fees, letters, financial aid, UGH! I have to admit that the GRE scares the crap out of me. I went to Barnes & Noble this afternoon and bought a study guide with practice tests and vocabulary flash cards. I have to say that teaching 2nd grade for 5 years seriously diminished my vocabulary. I have been regaining it with 4th grade, but it is still far from sufficient for the verbal section and doing a bang-up job on the 2 essay portions. That's right - 2 essays that are timed.
Therefore, I am about to start spending my extra time studying for a test and hopefully take it in July or August in order to get results to the schools which I am applying.
Not much else is new with me. The countdown for summer break is officially on - I am tired already this school year for some reason. I'm not getting too excited yet and I haven't made any summer plans yet. I'll teach camp for 2 weeks to make a little extra mullah. It's worth it.
So I have been vascillating about going back to grad school and getting my Master's degree to get certified for librarianship. I've finally decided to just go for it instead of filling my head with self-doubt and fears. BUT, this means taking the GRE and starting all over again with applications, fees, letters, financial aid, UGH! I have to admit that the GRE scares the crap out of me. I went to Barnes & Noble this afternoon and bought a study guide with practice tests and vocabulary flash cards. I have to say that teaching 2nd grade for 5 years seriously diminished my vocabulary. I have been regaining it with 4th grade, but it is still far from sufficient for the verbal section and doing a bang-up job on the 2 essay portions. That's right - 2 essays that are timed.
Therefore, I am about to start spending my extra time studying for a test and hopefully take it in July or August in order to get results to the schools which I am applying.
Not much else is new with me. The countdown for summer break is officially on - I am tired already this school year for some reason. I'm not getting too excited yet and I haven't made any summer plans yet. I'll teach camp for 2 weeks to make a little extra mullah. It's worth it.
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