Dreams

Dreams can be a funny thing. Not, "haha" funny, but interesting, insightful, revealing, unsettling, comforting. They can be a variety of things. For example, last night I had a dream with Dusty (my dog that passed away) in it. On one hand, it was nice to get the dreamlike sensation of touching her fur and cuddling with her. But on the flipside, it made me sad because she's gone. Only in a dream do I get to see her adorable face with soulful eyes. Only in the unconscious do I get to run my fingers through her fur and hug her neck. In real life, those things were a joy and comfort.

I wonder what our dreams mean. Do they really have significance? Can they really be interpreted? I don't know. I do think dreams reveal things to us at certain times of our lives. Perhaps I dreamt about Dusty because it was comforting. Maybe I dream about my mom because I miss her and need the better part of her when life gets tough. Some dreams do have significance.

Love

I'm currently reading The Best Buddhist Writing 2008 and so far I am impressed. Just now I completed a story entitled "My Marital Status" by James Kullander. In it, Kullander describes his relationship with his ex-wife. After ten years of marriage, the couple decided to divorce because he did not want children and she did. They remained friends and cared for each other. Then, some years later, she was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. Neither having remarried, Kullander was there for her. He spent the next few months caring for her, spending his nights in the hospital, and tending to her on her deathbed. Towards the end of her life, her brain was no longer functioning due to the cancer, but he remarried her in a bedside ceremony with her family present. He knew they had carried a flame for each other despite being divorced.

Kullander struggles with checking "divorced" or "widowed" on forms. That's where he begins and ends this story. It is touching. It reminds me that authentic love does exist. It is possible to have that depth of love. And that's what Kullander says marriage is: "the depth of feeling you have for each other." As he wrote: "It's only the love between two people that's real, that lasts. Everything else comes and goes."

How true. Sometimes I tend to scoff at the thought and famous Beatles song, "All You Need is Love." But maybe there is some validity to that. Just maybe, love is all you need. Sure we need money, shelter, food, etc. But those are physical things we need. Love is a spiritual need. If the love is real and reciprocated, what else matters? We are merely passing through this life. People and possessions come and go. But love - love lasts.

Vascillating

I'm not certain what to do. I have pictures on my computer of N and me. The pictures are fun and sentimental. But I wonder: do I keep the pictures because they remind me of what I had OR do I delete the pictures because they remind me of what I had? Quite the conundrum. And I cannot decide. So in the meantime, they stay. Interesting how pictures can make you smile and shed a tear at the same time.

Crazy

It's funny to me how some songwriters seem to be in my head and they've already put into words and music what I think or feel.

On a Lighter Note . . .

After my honest post last night, I thought a different one was in order. I'm not in a dark hole of depression or anything. Last night's divulgence is only part of what's going on with me. :)

I started in Spring 2010 for my Masters in Library Science. Currently, I am doing my Practicum, which is basically an internship. I have to complete a total of 160 hours. Fortunately, some summer schools have librarians working so I can work with them. I am in my last week of doing my 60 elementary hours and I have one full week plus two more afternoons for my 6o hours at the secondary school. We have the option of doing a 40-hour project to make up the difference, which is what I am doing. I was asked to deliver a staff in-service on using blogs with students (because I did one this last year). My faculty advisor is allowing that to be my project. Yay! Now I have to really get to it. The other class I'm taking this summer is cataloging. It's very detail and rule-oriented.

The good news is that I will graduate in December!! I am tired of school, but the light at the end is getting closer. I know the hard work will pay off. I am incredibly motivated to finish. And I will finally get my evenings during the school year back! I won't know what to do with myself. I certainly won't go back to watching T.V. I only watch what I can get through Netflix on Instant Play.

There's too many other things to enjoy about life than sitting in front of the boob tube a few hours each night. Like reading. Or sitting outside and reading. With a dog. Definitely with a dog. And perhaps a coffee. Yes.

Alright. Off to some other diversion.

Still Breathing + Raw Thoughts from Inside

I haven't kept up with this much. Between doing my Master's degree studies, work, and life, I've let it go. I wasn't sure who was really interested anyway. But I need an outlet. Sometimes there is more going on in one's mind than can possibly be taken. Without a venue of expressing it, the thoughts compile and eventually overwhelm the mind of the person. And I've had a lot on my mind. So here goes, ready or not.

I've been going through some real issues. I'm still dealing with my divorce from 7 years ago, Momma's passing from 2008, my beloved dog, Dusty, passing in 2009, and now a break-up. Sometimes I wonder how much one heart can take. I doubt God's love and care for my heart if He can allow someone to experience so much hurt and loss. I'm not at the point of Job, but sometimes I feel damn near close. And it sucks. I have been at a spiritual crossroads for sometime now, unbeknownst to my family. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm questioning why I believe what I believe and I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. I want to live the way it seems right to me, not to others. And right now I'm not sure I know what that is.

I'm also questioning the existence of authentic love. I just don't know if it exists. The idealist and romantic in me would like to think so. But it seems that it evades me. Just when I think I'm finally going to get my chance, fate laughs in my face. I just wonder if there is truly any one person who is able to be trusted 100% with my heart and emotions. I am jaded. I am wounded. Deeply. I wonder why other people can access it and I cannot.

The last thing I want is to be a bitter middle-aged woman. I would love to believe that true love exists for me and that people, deep down, are good-hearted. I like to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that makes me naive. But a girl has to hope, right? Otherwise, what is to become of us as a people if we don't believe that everyone has some goodness in them? I know it was not the intention of my ex-boyfriend to break my heart and wound me. It certainly doesn't make the pain less real. That's just the way it is. And maybe that's just life. Perhaps the pain now will lead to something better later. At least that's the hope. There's always hope.