Well, I have rounded the 13-week corner. I am definitely pregnant. My body is really starting to show the signs, too. Pants are getting hard to button, if they do at all. Thank goodness for those belly bands that allow you to wear pants unbuttoned. Whew! Not quite ready to go to the maternity store, though it's not too far off.
As I slowly progress in this new stage of life, my mind is quite often filled with questions. Lately it has been "how" questions.
How will we provide well for ourselves and a little one without barely making ends meet? It would be nice to know that it won't be a financial struggle.
How will we manage work and childcare? I don't want to stick an infant in a daycare. I want us to be the main caregivers, not strangers that won't love and guide our child like us.
How will Kirby react to a new baby? He's never been around an infant much. His life as he knows it is going to be seriously disrupted. Must make sure he gets lots of extra attention before that time comes.
How will I even manage a new baby? I have slight to zero experience with infants. The thought of having to care for one full-time frightens me.
How will we instill self-confidence and independent thought in a society that wants to tell our children how to be? Children are bombarded with negative messages via media in all its forms. Without sheltering our child, how do we teach him/her that he/she does not have to be the status quo? That looking and dressing a certain way is not all there is to living? To be his/her own person and comfortable just the way he/she is?
I guess I just have to take it a day at a time. I know there are no immediate answers to these plus the other mentally swirling questions. I guess we do the best we can, with what we have, where we are (thanks, Teddy Roosevelt). That's all we can do.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Anxiety Relief
Nick and I went to my doctor's appointment today. Good thing, too, because I was getting nervous. Miscarriage dreams were kind of freaking me out, so it was good to get reassurance that everything is actually alright.
We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.
So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.
We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.
So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Strange Life
Sometimes I wonder about life. How much is fate and how much is dumb luck (or just dumb)? I have had a series of events occur in my life that I would never have envisioned, yet they all are true. Currently, I am grappling with a life-changing event, but there is a little back story.
Back in March, I had a minor surgical procedure done for female issues I was having. The specialist that performed the procedure informed me that I had a low egg count and that conception would be difficult for me, especially if I waited a few years (I'm 35, fyi). That was not terribly tragic news to me as I was not certain I even wanted children (which is a whole other issue I was vacillating over). As it turns out, conceiving was not that hard at all.
You see, my ex and I had not really cut off the ties of our relationship. While we were technically "broken up," we still saw each other regularly. I think we may have gone for two weeks without talking to or seeing each other. Breaking up was just not that easy. In our carelessness, it turns out that getting pregnant was not impossible.
So now we are working through our relationship. Not wanting to rush into something else without considering the consequences, we are taking it slow. He is amazingly supportive, caring, and here for me. He did not run. We have both had our emotional breakdowns over the matter, but accepting of our new reality. And disappointing as it may be to some, I do not need or want to hear it.
I'm still not to the "I'm so happy" stage. And when people say, "Congratulations," I reply with a tentative "Thanks." I am worried how it will all work out. "How will we afford this?" is the looming question in my mind that just tends to hang like a dark, ominous cloud.
I am currently at about 10 1/2 weeks. While at first I would not have been saddened by an early miscarriage, now I am concerned that I could have one. It's weird. I am eager to go back to my doctor in a few days to ensure that all is well.
I still cannot envision me having a baby. But like I said: other life events have happened that I could never have imagined. So maybe it's not terribly unlikely that I can be a mom. And a good one at that.
Back in March, I had a minor surgical procedure done for female issues I was having. The specialist that performed the procedure informed me that I had a low egg count and that conception would be difficult for me, especially if I waited a few years (I'm 35, fyi). That was not terribly tragic news to me as I was not certain I even wanted children (which is a whole other issue I was vacillating over). As it turns out, conceiving was not that hard at all.
You see, my ex and I had not really cut off the ties of our relationship. While we were technically "broken up," we still saw each other regularly. I think we may have gone for two weeks without talking to or seeing each other. Breaking up was just not that easy. In our carelessness, it turns out that getting pregnant was not impossible.
So now we are working through our relationship. Not wanting to rush into something else without considering the consequences, we are taking it slow. He is amazingly supportive, caring, and here for me. He did not run. We have both had our emotional breakdowns over the matter, but accepting of our new reality. And disappointing as it may be to some, I do not need or want to hear it.
I'm still not to the "I'm so happy" stage. And when people say, "Congratulations," I reply with a tentative "Thanks." I am worried how it will all work out. "How will we afford this?" is the looming question in my mind that just tends to hang like a dark, ominous cloud.
I am currently at about 10 1/2 weeks. While at first I would not have been saddened by an early miscarriage, now I am concerned that I could have one. It's weird. I am eager to go back to my doctor in a few days to ensure that all is well.
I still cannot envision me having a baby. But like I said: other life events have happened that I could never have imagined. So maybe it's not terribly unlikely that I can be a mom. And a good one at that.
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