The Precipice of a New Year

Here we are at the end of 2011. It is hard to wrap my mind around what all has occurred this year. Even more unfathomable is what lies ahead of me in 2012. This year has been a time of turmoil and triumph. Turmoil in my personal life with an intimate relationship (that is thankfully much improved) and the unexpected baby girl that is now stirring and growing inside me. I finished my Masters program for Library Science, which was a joy in itself. I also took and passed my state school librarian certification exam. What an immense relief it is to be done with all of that!

Now I sit and contemplate what the new year will and can potentially bring, I am both anxious and eager. I hope to find a school librarian position for next school year. I would love to leave some of the stresses of the classroom behind yet stay in an educational role, especially seeing as how I will have an infant daughter that will become far more important to me. My hope is to be in a position that will allow me to focus more on my own child and not come home weary and stressed.

Speaking of my own child, we will welcome a baby girl into the world near the end of March. This carries with it its own anxieties and excitement. We have already begun the process of obtaining items in anticipation of her arrival. It is still so surreal to me when I feel her moving and kicking around. I was not sure I wanted to be a parent, but now that I will certainly be one, I cannot think of a more monumental calling and task in life. A life-long job has been placed before us.

Oh, what a year this will be!

Mind wanderings

I often find that when I cannot focus on what I'm supposed to (like school work), my mind tends to drift and wander to other ponderings. Tonight I am contemplating what a world without man-made borders would be like. The song "Boundaries Are" by Serj Tankian makes sense. What would a world that is not separated by hatred and fear of others look like? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't people just accept the differences of others with tolerance? Accepting and tolerating differences does not mean you agree or advocate for those things, but it does mean you do not hate, condemn, or destroy others for those differences. I think we are all guilty of being intolerant of others to some degree. But how nice it is to imagine a world where that does not exist. Then there would be peace. Then we could eliminate other things such as greed and war. I know this is an idyllic fantasy that will likely never occur. And that is because we are human.

Check Up

Just got home from my doctor's appointment. I'm currently at about 15 weeks. In four more weeks we will know what we're having. That is the appointment I am eagerly anticipating. Then we can decide on a name. I want to get used to the feel of the name before Baby Bollinger makes his/her way into this world. I want him/her to start hearing the name. "They" say babies can hear their parents voices in the womb. How "they" know, I do wonder. But if it is true, I want to take advantage of that.

I was a little worried since I wasn't feeling sick anymore, but today I heard the teeny rapid heartbeat and my anxieties were assuaged. Funny how I used to be more concerned about becoming pregnant without wanting to, and now I'm concerned that everything is alright with my little one inside. Such is life, I suppose. I'm just glad to know that all is fine. :)

A Case of the "Hows"

Well, I have rounded the 13-week corner. I am definitely pregnant. My body is really starting to show the signs, too. Pants are getting hard to button, if they do at all. Thank goodness for those belly bands that allow you to wear pants unbuttoned. Whew! Not quite ready to go to the maternity store, though it's not too far off.

As I slowly progress in this new stage of life, my mind is quite often filled with questions. Lately it has been "how" questions.

How will we provide well for ourselves and a little one without barely making ends meet? It would be nice to know that it won't be a financial struggle.

How will we manage work and childcare? I don't want to stick an infant in a daycare. I want us to be the main caregivers, not strangers that won't love and guide our child like us.

How will Kirby react to a new baby? He's never been around an infant much. His life as he knows it is going to be seriously disrupted. Must make sure he gets lots of extra attention before that time comes.

How will I even manage a new baby? I have slight to zero experience with infants. The thought of having to care for one full-time frightens me.

How will we instill self-confidence and independent thought in a society that wants to tell our children how to be? Children are bombarded with negative messages via media in all its forms. Without sheltering our child, how do we teach him/her that he/she does not have to be the status quo? That looking and dressing a certain way is not all there is to living? To be his/her own person and comfortable just the way he/she is?

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time. I know there are no immediate answers to these plus the other mentally swirling questions. I guess we do the best we can, with what we have, where we are (thanks, Teddy Roosevelt). That's all we can do.

Anxiety Relief

Nick and I went to my doctor's appointment today. Good thing, too, because I was getting nervous. Miscarriage dreams were kind of freaking me out, so it was good to get reassurance that everything is actually alright.

We had to get a quick sonogram because the heartbeat was hard to pick up with another instrument, perhaps because I am still only 11 weeks along. But there is definitely a little guy or gal kicking around in there with heart a-fluttering. It was funny to see a teeny creature moving around and to see miniscule hands, feet, and head.

So Nick and I really are going to be parents. Still a scary thought. Not that we'll be parents, but just that our lives will be forever altered.

Strange Life

Sometimes I wonder about life. How much is fate and how much is dumb luck (or just dumb)? I have had a series of events occur in my life that I would never have envisioned, yet they all are true. Currently, I am grappling with a life-changing event, but there is a little back story.

Back in March, I had a minor surgical procedure done for female issues I was having. The specialist that performed the procedure informed me that I had a low egg count and that conception would be difficult for me, especially if I waited a few years (I'm 35, fyi). That was not terribly tragic news to me as I was not certain I even wanted children (which is a whole other issue I was vacillating over). As it turns out, conceiving was not that hard at all.

You see, my ex and I had not really cut off the ties of our relationship. While we were technically "broken up," we still saw each other regularly. I think we may have gone for two weeks without talking to or seeing each other. Breaking up was just not that easy. In our carelessness, it turns out that getting pregnant was not impossible.

So now we are working through our relationship. Not wanting to rush into something else without considering the consequences, we are taking it slow. He is amazingly supportive, caring, and here for me. He did not run. We have both had our emotional breakdowns over the matter, but accepting of our new reality. And disappointing as it may be to some, I do not need or want to hear it.

I'm still not to the "I'm so happy" stage. And when people say, "Congratulations," I reply with a tentative "Thanks." I am worried how it will all work out. "How will we afford this?" is the looming question in my mind that just tends to hang like a dark, ominous cloud.

I am currently at about 10 1/2 weeks. While at first I would not have been saddened by an early miscarriage, now I am concerned that I could have one. It's weird. I am eager to go back to my doctor in a few days to ensure that all is well.

I still cannot envision me having a baby. But like I said: other life events have happened that I could never have imagined. So maybe it's not terribly unlikely that I can be a mom. And a good one at that.

Man (or woman) up

Sometimes life applies a lot of heat and pressure. It really stinks when it's all at the same time. As if one thing happening was not enough, life decides you need one more helping.

But the thing about being pressed is you find out what you are really made of. How strong are you, really? How much can you bear? Being pressed allows you to realize a part of yourself that you would not have known otherwise. And I should know. I've been through these times once or twice. While in the situation it is often hard to gain perspective, I know from experience that the ugly bits of life make us wiser, stronger, and are opportunities to grow. We just have to try and see it that way.

It's times like these that you have to dig in your heels and refuse to succumb. Grow up. Face and accept reality and deal with it like an adult.

Things That Irk Me

I'm going to go on a rant because this is my blog and I can. :)

There are some things that just bug me and I feel it necessary to voice those things.

1. People making comments on Facebook using texting language. What's wrong with your keyboard? Is it missing letters? Please use complete words when typing online. You're not texting. It makes you look uneducated and/or just plain dumb.

2. People that don't use blinkers when they're turning. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't use my mind reading abilities to know you were planning to turn or switch lanes. Please indicate your intentions. It's so the people around you can drive safely with you. Blinkers are actually standard on all makes and models of cars. Just FYI.

3. Talking on your cell phone at the checkout counter. I don't really care who said what or where you need to meet someone. Your conversation can wait. It's really easy to tell the person on the other end of the conversation, "Let me call you back in a few minutes. I'm at the checkout counter and don't want to be rude." Not hard.

4. Drivers that speed up to get around you only to slam on their brakes to turn in front of you. Really?! Did that save you any time or get you anywhere faster? Highly doubt it. What it did do is almost cause an accident. Good driving, there, buddy.

5. That person that stops their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store and then just stands there looking at the shelves. You are oblivious to the fact that others need to get by and then act surprised when I say "Excuse me." It's called awareness. Try it sometime.

6. Rude people. That's all. Doesn't matter where you are and what you're doing. You're just rude. You seem to think that you are more important than others and have a superiority complex. You treat waitstaff terribly and behave as if you're the server's only table. Guess what? You were born naked just like the rest of us. You take dumps and have stinky farts. Just admit it. Oh, and just be nice.

7. Kids having screaming fits in public places and the parents that let it continue. Do you really think that everyone in a 5 mile radius wants to hear your kid having a hissy fit because you won't buy them candy? While I applaud you for not giving in to your child's request, please make them be quiet. (Note: I do not have kids. If I did, I would take their ear-splitting screaming ass to the car and go home.)

8. Not holding the door open for someone coming in behind you. This is a common courtesy thing, no? Wouldn't you appreciate that gesture? Especially do it if you see a person close enough behind you. It's just nice to hold it open or even give the door another push to stay open as you continue to enter. Didn't slow you down. Didn't cost you anything. It's just a polite thing to do.

9. Sports players getting paid millions of dollars and then crying about how it's not enough. You know what's not enough? Teachers' salaries. Military salaries. Police and firefighter salaries. You know, the people who are really making a difference in the lives of the multitudes. The money going into (or more recently, out of) education. More of my students will need an education to work because they will not get to be you on the football, basketball, or baseball field. Shut the hell up about how you don't make enough. It's disgusting and insulting to the rest of us. I can't believe you have fans.

10. Politicians. Enough said.

Well, I'm sure there are many more things that annoy me, but this is a start. These are just some of the ones that come immediately to mind. However, there are more. Also, venting is therapeutic. I don't generally like to be a complainer, but sometimes you just have to say what's on your mind.

Settling In

Well, here I am almost a week later and I'm finally feeling more settled into my new apartment. I had my reservations about how I was going to fit into a smaller square footage, but it has worked out pretty good. So my microwave is kind of in my living area. What of it? It doesn't look too bad.

The smaller kitchen is starting to work out. I had to get a little creative with the space, but it's working. I did have to actually buy some items to make it a workable solution, so I ended up spending money I didn't really want to.

I had some great help moving last Sunday. A couple of guy friends were kind enough to donate a few hours of their Sunday to tote boxes and furniture in 90+ degree heat. Bless them! N actually was with me all weekend and was such an immense help. He was also my calming voice when I was feeling frantic and overwhelmed. Plus, he put my new bed together and my TV stand. The dear young lad stayed until there was a good stopping point with the chaos. It was a little weird because even though we are "broken up," we still get along remarkably well. That was never the issue anyway. Anyhow, I digress.

Kirby has had a bit of a hard time settling in. He appears to have a difficult time just relaxing. And he can't get under the bed anymore, so he's kind of sulking about that at bedtime. I think he's getting used to it slowly.

I do love the area and being so close to so much. I plan on getting out on my bike a few times a week over the next few weeks to gain confidence and comfort with riding on the street and with cars. I've had some experience, but not alone. Yay for independence! (with a hint of sarcasm)

What does this apartment hold for me as I reside here for at least the next year? A lot can happen in a year and a year goes by faster than we realize.

Moving Emotions

I started packing yesterday. I move next Sunday to my new apartment. This morning, as I scanned the boxes that are beginning to pile up and the boxes yet to be filled with my life, I became a bit saddened. It's the end of a period of my life and the start of another. It's funny, because I wasn't sad about my last move of apartments. I think I am having a bittersweet reaction to this one because of the memories of the last three years that this place holds. What have these walls seen and heard?

They have seen me cry after losing my mom. They heard me talk to her. They've looked on as I curled up into the fetal position to let my emotions loose.

They have seen me laugh with friends. They've heard the sharing that has taken place between people that trust one another to be honest about who we are and what we struggle with.

These walls saw me as I hunched over Dusty's lifeless body early one Sunday morning in December of 2009. They heard me wail, "Please don't go!" as I held her body at the same time rigor mortis was setting in. They watched me carry her out to be cremated at the vet.

They heard the words, "I love you" from N for the first time. They also got to watch and listen as he told me ten months later that he no longer loved me and wanted to end the relationship. These walls have seen me shed countless tears as a result. They have heard my anguish.

The walls see and hear me as I greet Kirby upon entering the front door. They see what he does during the day, which will always be a mystery to me.

These walls have witnessed my transformation. I am not the same person that moved in here three years ago.

The one thing I have that walls don't, though, are memories. I get to take them with me. And as I move forward and into another apartment, I will make more memories. That's the thing about life. Memories are made every day.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~ Kevin Arnold

As I Grow Up

You know, I don't know why I ever thought that I would have life figured out by this point. In all honesty, I am really just getting started. I am learning more about myself as I get older and truly developing my own identity apart from what I have always done, thought, and believed.

It's a very freeing thing to not feel constrained by what I perceive as other people's expectations. To break out of a mold that I feel like I was trying to fit into for so long but just had trouble conforming. The shape didn't take. It was a constant, inner struggle. And now I don't feel that way. There is no mold, except the one I make for myself.

Who am I? Really?? What do I believe? What are the beliefs (morals, if you will) that are unshakable? Which beliefs (ideas, positions) am I willing to let evolve or let go? Believe it or not, these are questions I ask myself on a regular basis. And it didn't take a single person to evoke change. It took an inner discontent with the way things were. Have I been influenced by others? Without a doubt. But I see their influence as a positive because it offered me new perspectives. I don't believe there is anything wrong with being willing to say, "You're right. I've never thought of it that way. Thank you for showing me another view." Being open to another point of view does not mean I have to accept it. But if it's logical, rational, sensible, truthful . . .

As we continually grow (both mentally and chronologically), we learn. We can be changed by what we learn or not. I choose to be changed. I choose to allow what I learn to possibly alter certain ideas I may have. If there is truth to it, then I must accept the truth and not live in denial because of stubbornness or pride. I have to be willing to admit when I'm wrong.

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." ~ Mary Lamberton Becker

Quotes

I love quotes. Some of them are from obscure people that I have no clue who they are. But their words, wherever they were written or spoken, can speak profound truth and resonate within me. Some of them are just funny. I appreciate the slant on life that some people can perceive and comment on. I like being shown a different perspective through someone else's observations and experiences. They are enlightening.

I have many quotes that I like and keep around. Often it depends on my mood which ones I turn to or that I search for online. Words are a powerful thing. And sometimes it just takes a few to express an insight on life, love, spirituality, and whatever else. Those are the best.

So, in that spirit, here is one for the taking from Stevie Wonder: You can't base your life on other people's expectations. (used from thinkexist.com)

Dreams

Dreams can be a funny thing. Not, "haha" funny, but interesting, insightful, revealing, unsettling, comforting. They can be a variety of things. For example, last night I had a dream with Dusty (my dog that passed away) in it. On one hand, it was nice to get the dreamlike sensation of touching her fur and cuddling with her. But on the flipside, it made me sad because she's gone. Only in a dream do I get to see her adorable face with soulful eyes. Only in the unconscious do I get to run my fingers through her fur and hug her neck. In real life, those things were a joy and comfort.

I wonder what our dreams mean. Do they really have significance? Can they really be interpreted? I don't know. I do think dreams reveal things to us at certain times of our lives. Perhaps I dreamt about Dusty because it was comforting. Maybe I dream about my mom because I miss her and need the better part of her when life gets tough. Some dreams do have significance.

Love

I'm currently reading The Best Buddhist Writing 2008 and so far I am impressed. Just now I completed a story entitled "My Marital Status" by James Kullander. In it, Kullander describes his relationship with his ex-wife. After ten years of marriage, the couple decided to divorce because he did not want children and she did. They remained friends and cared for each other. Then, some years later, she was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. Neither having remarried, Kullander was there for her. He spent the next few months caring for her, spending his nights in the hospital, and tending to her on her deathbed. Towards the end of her life, her brain was no longer functioning due to the cancer, but he remarried her in a bedside ceremony with her family present. He knew they had carried a flame for each other despite being divorced.

Kullander struggles with checking "divorced" or "widowed" on forms. That's where he begins and ends this story. It is touching. It reminds me that authentic love does exist. It is possible to have that depth of love. And that's what Kullander says marriage is: "the depth of feeling you have for each other." As he wrote: "It's only the love between two people that's real, that lasts. Everything else comes and goes."

How true. Sometimes I tend to scoff at the thought and famous Beatles song, "All You Need is Love." But maybe there is some validity to that. Just maybe, love is all you need. Sure we need money, shelter, food, etc. But those are physical things we need. Love is a spiritual need. If the love is real and reciprocated, what else matters? We are merely passing through this life. People and possessions come and go. But love - love lasts.

Vascillating

I'm not certain what to do. I have pictures on my computer of N and me. The pictures are fun and sentimental. But I wonder: do I keep the pictures because they remind me of what I had OR do I delete the pictures because they remind me of what I had? Quite the conundrum. And I cannot decide. So in the meantime, they stay. Interesting how pictures can make you smile and shed a tear at the same time.

Crazy

It's funny to me how some songwriters seem to be in my head and they've already put into words and music what I think or feel.

On a Lighter Note . . .

After my honest post last night, I thought a different one was in order. I'm not in a dark hole of depression or anything. Last night's divulgence is only part of what's going on with me. :)

I started in Spring 2010 for my Masters in Library Science. Currently, I am doing my Practicum, which is basically an internship. I have to complete a total of 160 hours. Fortunately, some summer schools have librarians working so I can work with them. I am in my last week of doing my 60 elementary hours and I have one full week plus two more afternoons for my 6o hours at the secondary school. We have the option of doing a 40-hour project to make up the difference, which is what I am doing. I was asked to deliver a staff in-service on using blogs with students (because I did one this last year). My faculty advisor is allowing that to be my project. Yay! Now I have to really get to it. The other class I'm taking this summer is cataloging. It's very detail and rule-oriented.

The good news is that I will graduate in December!! I am tired of school, but the light at the end is getting closer. I know the hard work will pay off. I am incredibly motivated to finish. And I will finally get my evenings during the school year back! I won't know what to do with myself. I certainly won't go back to watching T.V. I only watch what I can get through Netflix on Instant Play.

There's too many other things to enjoy about life than sitting in front of the boob tube a few hours each night. Like reading. Or sitting outside and reading. With a dog. Definitely with a dog. And perhaps a coffee. Yes.

Alright. Off to some other diversion.

Still Breathing + Raw Thoughts from Inside

I haven't kept up with this much. Between doing my Master's degree studies, work, and life, I've let it go. I wasn't sure who was really interested anyway. But I need an outlet. Sometimes there is more going on in one's mind than can possibly be taken. Without a venue of expressing it, the thoughts compile and eventually overwhelm the mind of the person. And I've had a lot on my mind. So here goes, ready or not.

I've been going through some real issues. I'm still dealing with my divorce from 7 years ago, Momma's passing from 2008, my beloved dog, Dusty, passing in 2009, and now a break-up. Sometimes I wonder how much one heart can take. I doubt God's love and care for my heart if He can allow someone to experience so much hurt and loss. I'm not at the point of Job, but sometimes I feel damn near close. And it sucks. I have been at a spiritual crossroads for sometime now, unbeknownst to my family. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm questioning why I believe what I believe and I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. I want to live the way it seems right to me, not to others. And right now I'm not sure I know what that is.

I'm also questioning the existence of authentic love. I just don't know if it exists. The idealist and romantic in me would like to think so. But it seems that it evades me. Just when I think I'm finally going to get my chance, fate laughs in my face. I just wonder if there is truly any one person who is able to be trusted 100% with my heart and emotions. I am jaded. I am wounded. Deeply. I wonder why other people can access it and I cannot.

The last thing I want is to be a bitter middle-aged woman. I would love to believe that true love exists for me and that people, deep down, are good-hearted. I like to believe in the inherent goodness of people. Maybe that makes me naive. But a girl has to hope, right? Otherwise, what is to become of us as a people if we don't believe that everyone has some goodness in them? I know it was not the intention of my ex-boyfriend to break my heart and wound me. It certainly doesn't make the pain less real. That's just the way it is. And maybe that's just life. Perhaps the pain now will lead to something better later. At least that's the hope. There's always hope.